First sonogram

It's twins!

Spencer and I went for our first sonogram yesterday afternoon.  Almost immediately we could see one big, dark blob (which I assumed was the baby based on other sonos I've seen).  The nurse moved the wand around some more and spotted another blob under the first.  So twins!  She took a bunch of measurements of each baby. Baby A (the one on the bottom in the pictures) measured 6weeks6days and had a nice strong heartbeat around 145bpm.  Baby B (the one on the top of the pictures) measured 7 weeks and also had a strong heartbeat of 145bpm.  Spencer recorded their heartbeats on his phone so we can try to share that later.  We continue medications for another few weeks and come back in on January 4th for another sonogram.

We are very excited! And quite nervous.  I'm just happy the doctor was able to give me something for the morning sickness/nausea I've had for the last week.  It had gotten pretty bad to where I just wanted to nap all day and could barely function at work. In fact, that's why this post was written the morning after and not last night (I was in bed shortly after 7).  A couple of pills later and I feel much more like myself. I still have lots of aversions to food, but with the medication, there seems to be more I'm willing to eat so far.

New favorite number

Second beta this morning came back at 955! More than doubled which is excellent news! We go back for an ultrasound on the 21st to hear heartbeat(s).  Thanks for the good thoughts, prayers, etc! We love you all.

And the score is...

It's been 9 long days of trying not to parse every twinge or feeling.  It's hard to tell if any symptoms that could indicate pregnancy are because of hormone medication, because of pregnancy, or just in my head because I know that's a typical symptom.  Do my boobs hurt because that's what progesterone does or because the turkeys are cooking? (FYI if you didn't see my last post, I'm calling the embryos our turkeys). Am I tired and ready for bed at 8:30 because we walked around Six Flags or decorated the house for Christmas; or am I exhausted because the turkeys stuck? Crazy dreams because I'm stressed out or because I'm pregnant? We didn't want to test at home because we've never had good luck with those tests; my only positive, at-home pregnancy test was one I took after our positive beta last December. So we had to wait until my beta blood test today.

Blood draw was early this morning.  I got there a little early, so I got in and out before my actual appointment time. It was quite busy; the nurse said they had about 8 women in today for betas.  She told me that they would call with the results later in the day.  And thus began the excruciating wait for that one phone call.  I went back to work and tried to distract myself.  I carried my phone around everywhere I went so I wouldn't miss the call.  The more the day went on, the more anxious and nervous I got.  I convinced myself that when the nurse finally called, she would have bad news for us because I no longer felt any symptoms; they had just been in my head.

Finally, around the time I was getting ready to leave work, the nurse called.  I was shaking as I took the phone into the back hallway for privacy in our the conversation.  There was no dodging the issue.  The nurse told me that our beta came back at 344, a good strong positive. (25 is what will usually trigger a home pregnancy test for those of you wondering).  I'm to continue meds and order more if needed.  I go back on Friday for a second beta to hopefully see that number at 700 minimum.  Less than 700 would mean that the pregnancy is biochemical; more than 700 means the embryo(s) are growing like they should.

So we are again cautiously optimistic.  We had a good strong first number, so that seems to be a good sign.  I have plans to sit around all day tomorrow while at a training for work; hopefully that will provide an ideal environment for the turkeys.  We firmly believe that all of the positive energy from friends and family over the last month, especially the last few days, helped us get to this point. Please keep it coming.  And thank you!!

Turkeys are in the oven 😊

Today was transfer day!!

Here we go!

The lab called last week to confirm that my transfer would be at 1pm and to arrive by 12:15.  It's not the usual doctor's office in Southlake, but rather the lab in Dallas.  That meant an hour drive, so we left super early and got lunch out beforehand.  We got to the doctor's office a little early, where they had more paperwork for us to fill out.  Then we waited for them to call us back.

I expected a similar situation as at our old clinic.  There, the transfer was done in the same exam rooms the regular ultrasounds are done in.  The embryologist would bring in the embryos from the lab, carefully carrying them through the hallway when told to. Then I'd lay there after transfer for about 10 minutes.  

He wanted to take these home
 and wear all day...

My transfer garb...

This clinic is very different, but in a good way.  A lot of the details are the same- dark room, full bladder, ultrasound-guidance, no scented lotions, pictures of the embryos... But at this clinic, they took us into what looked like a surgery pre-op room.  I was told to change into the gown, put on special socks, and cover my hair.  Spencer got his own special outfit to wear as well. Turns out, this clinic does the transfer in an operating room connected to the lab.

Then we got to speak with a nurse, the doctor, the embryologist, and another nurse.  They answered questions and told us what to expect.  The embryologist gave us pictures of the embryos they'd thawed for us.  She said that one embryo looked good; the other one was still collapsed (I think that was the phrase she used) but she said that it'd likely continue to progress and get better.  After chatting with everyone, the nurse walked us back to the operating room.  I got on the table and the nurses got me into position.  The cool part about this transfer is that there is a TV in the OR that lets you see your embryos get sucked into the tube for transfer. I thought that was kind of neat.  The rest of transfer went as normal.  A nurse used the ultrasound machine to help the doctor guide a catheter into my uterus.  Once in the right spot, the lab brought in the tube of our embryos.  We got to see the little puff as the embryos shot in.  And that was it.  I scooted to the travel bed thing, and was wheeled back to the room.  I had to lay around for 20 minutes afterwards.  Then we got to change and head home with orders to take it easy until the first pregnancy test on the 30th.

Nervous/excited to get these turkeys in where they belong.

Our little turkeys.
The top one is still collapsed but ought to expand and get better soon.
The bottom on is rated well.

Almost halftime!

I had my check up today with the doctor to see that everything is progressing as they want. Even though it's never been a problem in the past, I was a tad nervous about this appointment since we are on a different drug protocol. However, like usual, those nerves were for naught. Everything has checked out ok (if the blood work comes back funky, they may call me later).

I got more instructions, as well as circles drawn on my backside to show where the shots go.  Those start tonight. I also was told to start taking low-dose aspirin every day. This is a technique doctors use with women who have had multiple losses. They think it helps prevent clots that could mess with embryo growth, but it's not 100% proven. But it also doesn't hurt anything, so we are trying it. So much new stuff this round we will never know exactly which part needed to change if it works. But at least we will have finally stumbled upon the right recipe for success (hopefully).

Anyways, there isn't much more to report. Shots and pills for 6 days, then we should transfer two embryos on Monday, Nov. 21st around lunchtime. Blood test is on Nov. 30th and hopefully I'll have more to schedule after that. Keep sending us good thoughts please!

Ready, set, go!

I went to the doctor on Friday for a follow-up to my follow-up appointment a few weeks ago. Originally, the doctor had said that he wanted to do an ultrasound in a few weeks to check that everything was healing ok. Then based on those results, we might be able to jump into another frozen transfer (FET) cycle. We never really spoke about specifics or paid any money, so I wasn't expecting much to happen really soon. Our last clinic was so methodical about stuff like that; we'd have paperwork and payment due (plus order meds) before ever getting scheduled for an ultrasound.

Boy, was I wrong about what to expect! My appointment started with a blood draw so they can check hormone levels. Then an ultrasound to check for cysts and see how my lining looks. Turns out everything looked ok, because the nurse told me to get dressed and meet her in the consult room when she finished the exam. She came in with the instructions for our FET cycle, much to my surprise!

We scraped the lupron we have used in the last few cycles. This saves us several weeks, about $500, and a couple dozen shots; so no tears over that change in protocol. I start taking Estrace (an estrogen supplement) twice a day for about two weeks. Then I go back to the doctor for another lining check. If that looks good, then we are all set to move onto the next step- progesterone shots. Not looking forward to these, but Spencer's always been good about giving them so I'm not concerned. Less than a week after we start the progesterone, we get to do the transfer. Then a 9-day wait before my first pregnancy test. It all takes less than a month, so it seems so much quicker than I'm used to. Kind of like a whirlwind.

In addition to the directions, I got consent forms to fill out and then sent to the front desk to check out and pay. It was a total of $2950, so a little more than our last clinic, but the lupron savings offsets the extra cost. I was still in a little shock by the time I left the office. If everything cooperates, we could do the transfer before Thanksgiving!

So, as usual, please send lots of good thoughts our way as we begin this process again. I'm feeling very confident that this is our cycle. The fourth one will be the lucky one. New doctor, cleaner insides, new protocol.

Deep cleaning

Two weeks ago, I had surgery to remove the large endometriomas on my ovaries and clean up a bunch of other stuff in me.  (Don't worry if you didn't know, I didn't tell too many people).

Doctor said that everything went well.  There was a lot of endometriosis to clean up, but this was still surface-level; it hadn't embedded itself yet (reminded me of mold kind of). He removed the cysts off each ovary.  Funny thing at this point: my bowels were almost completely wrapped around my left ovary (probably part of the reason that one kept twinging).  The doctor separated everything and placed some bio-gel stuff inside to help keep things in its place while I heal.  There was some abnormal stuff inside my uterus, but he clean that up as well. 

I had a rough time coming out of the anesthesia, cold and nauseous. But we avoided staying overnight and got to go home.  It was robotic surgery, so there is very minimal bruising around the incisions. The pain afterwards wasn't too bad, except the gas that gets trapped with laparoscopy procedures. Once that found its way out, recovery went decently.  The doctor got his way and kept me out for two whole weeks.  I felt fine to return to work by the end of the first week, but since the doctor wouldn't release me, I spent the time watching TV, letting the dog in and out, and doing a few light chores.  

My post-op appointment this morning finally released me back to work!  I got to see all of the pictures from the surgery, which I love. The doctor removed the glue over my incisions, which look really good.  Not sure if it was seeing what they did, my incisions are exposed to more rubbing from my shirt now that the glue is gone, or using my abs to sit up and lay back, but I am feeling a tad sore after the appointment.  But doctor said that we'll do an ultrasound in a few weeks and if that looks good, we could start a new transfer cycle soon!

Moving day

Couple of Mondays ago, after weeks of paperwork and emails, we moved our embryos out of Bedford to our new clinic. It took awhile to confirm a date, but it finally all got worked out in the end.  I drove to Bedford to pick up the embryos the embryologist packed in a special liquid nitrogen transport container. She showed me the straw our embryos are packed in to prove they are in there. I got lots of paperwork to take with them (mostly pictures, inventory, and their freezing processes).  

Then it was off to Dallas to drop off the embryos. The embryologist there unpacked the container and added our embryos to their storage area. They are all tucked in and awaiting our next transfer. Then it was off to Bedford to return the shipping container and say goodbye to that clinic. Kind of bittersweet, but I'm ok with the decision.

I just had to know...

Over the last few weeks, we have gotten all of our test results back from Dr. Gada's office. Everything came back normal, which is good news. We met with the doctor today to discuss our next steps. We had a really good chat about everything. We have two options: test the embryos or proceed with another frozen transfer with a different protocol than we've tried before.  The new protocol would exclude lupron (yay! that saves nearly $700 and dozens of shots) and use a higher dose of estrogen to prep me for transfer.  We'd also use baby aspirin (because it doesn't hurt and some doctors believe it helps so why not?) and vitamin D supplements (my levels were slightly low). We also discussed how many embryos we should transfer.  He went through the usual one is safest, but also said that two would not be something he'd necessarily refuse. Because we have had so many failed transfers, he is okay with us being more aggressive by transferring two embryos.  As you may have guessed, we have decided to do another transfer and wait on testing the embryos.

We are excited to try again, but have a few steps before we get to that. We need to transfer the embryos from our first clinic. This involves a bunch of paperwork before I can go pick them up and drop them off in Southlake.  We also have another hurdle before we attempt another cycle....

The last few weeks, I've had a pain in my left ovary area. I assumed it was my endometrioma twinging, but part of me was scared that it's actually my one tube blocked and swollen like what was wrong with my other tube.  The doctor offered to do a scan to ease my mind.   (This is where the title of this post comes in.)  Turns out my tube is fine; it is my endometrioma causing my pain. It's gotten so big that the doctor has said surgery may actually be an option before a transfer. He said we are borderline needing the surgery; it could be helpful, or it may not be necessary and a frozen transfer would work just fine without it. It's up to us to decide at this point.

We have decided to go ahead and do the surgery before attempting another cycle. Insurance will cover the robotic surgery and I'm already aways into my out of pocket max this year, so we won't pay as much as we would next year. Looks like we may get to itemize our taxes again and deduct our medical expenses. Plus, cleaning out the endometriosis will help my fertility (or at least my pain levels). Surgery is planned for October 7 at the moment. Hopefully recovery goes quickly and we can go straight into a frozen cycle immediately after.

One of these days we will leave the doctors office with good news....

Third one's the charm this time

Hubby and I went to church this weekend for the first time in forever.  We need to get our marriage convalidated with the Catholic church so my husband can be godfather to his best friend's brand new baby. To do that, we decided to start going to church more often and this last weekend was our first Sunday back in town. It was a nice service, but the homily struck a little close to home.  It was all about perseverance in asking God for what you want; that some things take time and determination but God will deliver in the end. The day before I was telling Spencer how frustrated I was with our second opinion and don't hold much hope for the third opinion. I was ready to take a nice long break of all this. The message on Sunday was the perfect sign to keep pushing forward and to not give up.

Today's appointment added to my newfound optimism. This time, we saw Dr. Gada at a clinic in Southlake (so close to home!!). We got there and filled out paperwork (although I don't know why they couldn't have printed it off of the portal information I provided instead of making me fill out the same information again). We were actually called back rather quickly, before our appointment time. We sat in an office for a while, but I think we saw the doctor just around our appointment time, maybe a tad earlier. This was a nice change from previous doctors who have made us wait for 20-30 minutes past our appointment time before calling us back.  He started off just like the other doctors did; he said he understood that we would be frustrated but that he was confident that he could help us have a kid.  He said we just need to be persistent and we will eventually hit on the right formula for me. To me, this was about as clear a sign as could be that this is the right place to be. He could have used many other words, but he used that key word persistent- the same word from church on Sunday.  Dr. Gada just seemed to speak my language and seemed to know exactly what I needed/wanted to hear. 

He said that there is nothing to suggest that our embryos are bad or that we need to do a new retrieval (like opinion two said). Whoo-hoo! That saves us a bundle.  He shared Dr. Doody's opinion that these embryos will eventually get us a baby; it just may take many more transfers.  He said we could test the embryos if we want; data shows that the thawing process doesn't stress the embryo too much and testing provides good data about which embryos we should use.  He said that there were some tests we could run on me to determine if everything is fine with me; if they come back normal, then we can proceed with the more expensive tests on the embryos.  This was the second sign for me that I want to switch to this doctor.  He suggested one of the tests I've been wanting but was too frustrated/timid to ask for.  He didn't seem to mind ordering a second test that I asked for, saying it may not have anything to add to our process, but he doesn't mind ordering as many cheaper blood tests as I want.  He made me feel very comfortable and heard. I decided to be blunt and ask for pricing as everything came to a close.  My original plan was to get prices and game plans from other doctors, so this would have been a slightly unsuccessful trip if I hadn't gotten their pricing.  It's not too far from Dr. Doody's office, just a tad bit more on some parts, but he suggested that they may be able to match Dr. Doody's prices on certain things.  They definitely seem better priced than opinion two.

Overall, I feel like this is where the next step of our journey is going.  I feel really good about our process again. I feel like we have a plan now.  We are running some tests on me and one on Spencer.  We should get those results in about two weeks and have a better idea of whether we need to test the embryos or just try another frozen transfer.  I'm excited and optimistic about our future.  I still hate this process and that this is our fate, but I will remain persistent.

Opinions...lots of opinions

Our followup appointment with Dr. Doody didn't provide many answers. It was alot like last time; we just had bad luck and try again. He gave us pricing info for testing our remaining embryos, but didn't really recommend doing it. He said there aren't too many tests with scientific merit that we can run on me either. Basically try again and hope for the best.

Anticipating not getting many answers from Dr. Doody, I decided I wanted other opinions. Our referral had expired, so I figured why not get referrals to new doctors when asking for the renewal. So I found two doctors online that say they treat endometriosis and infertility. I made appointments to see both by the end of July. My hope is that they will have a different idea on how to proceed and maybe be more open to running tons of tests.

We saw the first of the two doctors last week. Dr. Goldstein only sees patients in Frisco (I thought he went to their southlake location too, just a few minutes from us) which makes for quite a trek. We went over our history with Dr. Goldstein and did a new scan and drew blood for some tests. He wants to do a few more tests and then meet again in a few weeks to go over results. As of right now, he feels that our current batch of embryos must not be very good because they haven't worked yet. He feels the best option for proceeding is to do yet another retrieval and a frozen transfer after that. He's confident that with a different drug protocol and (better) lab, we can get better embryos and have more success.  He said we could try to thaw all of our embryos and pick the best couple to transfer and cross our fingers.

I don't even know what to think or do at this point. A year ago, I had really expected to only need to do one retrieval and that we could have a whole family from the resulting embryos. That definitely hasn't worked yet. I don't know how we will afford to do another retrieval; Dr. Goldstein quoted us about $13-15k. For now, I'm just gathering information. We still have another opinion and pricing to gather. Then we can sit down and discuss things.

this sucks

Second beta was today.  It came back as less than one, so we officially have a chemical pregnancy on our hands.  Two perfectly-rated embryos and neither one stuck.  It's quite disappointing. I have no plan for how to proceed at this moment. I guess we will start with the followup with the doctor and go from there.  I've no idea how we can afford another cycle any time soon at this point.  We are just very disappointed with this news.  I can't help feeling quite inadequate.

Prayers and good thoughts please!

I tested yesterday on a home pregnancy test and it was negative.  Quite disappointing since I'd convinced myself I was having plenty of symptoms.  There are a myriad of reasons the test could be negative, so I wasn't completely giving up hope.  It could still be too early, the dollar store test I used wasn't sensitive enough, or the test expires this month.

Today was my actual beta test. I went and got my blood drawn and then went to physical therapy.  Just as I was finishing up at PT, I got the phone call.  My level is 9.9. Anything over 5 is considered positive, but this is a very low positive, so I should not get my hopes up. The nurse said cautious optimism until I go back on Saturday for another beta.  We are hoping for 20 or more as the result for that test.  That would put us on track for a positive pregnancy.  If it doesn't rise, then it's another chemical pregnancy.  I'm not letting myself think that far ahead, just staying positive that this little embryo(s) is just a procrastinator and as stubborn as me.

So lots of prayers and positive thoughts please!

5dp5dt

Today marks five days past our 5 day embryo transfer (that's what the title means in abbreviations).

The pups are on board!

On Tuesday, May 10, we transferred two embryos.  They were originally rated perfectly at 4AA, but during the thaw, embryo two got downgraded to a 4AB.  It's still a great rating, though. 

I'd forgotten how uncomfortable the whole transfer process is. I had to have a full bladder so they could see the uterus better. Then during the transfer, they push the ultrasound wand into my tummy to visualize where to aim the embryos. That doesn't include the pap-smear-like process going on as well. They get me all prepped and then call the lab for the embryos. Our two came in one little syringe that the doctor shot into my lining. Then they take the syringe back to the lab to make sure it's empty. Instead of getting to use the restroom, I have to lay there for a while; after that, it's just go home and rest up.  

The little mouse pointer is where our pups are.

We also get to keep doing the progesterone shots every night; I say we because Spencer has to do those still.  I've not been able to work up the courage to try the intramuscular shots on myself.  We have found that my right side doesn't hurt, while the left side is rather uncomfortable; funny how that happens.

Over the last week, I've been working on providing the best environment possible.  I cleaned up my diet, eating more fruits and veggies and less sugar. I've taken it easy, trying not to do too much or stress over anything. I don't feel any different but it's still early.  The chart below shows exactly what happens each day past transfer.  So as of now, implantation ought to be complete and the placenta and fetus cells are developing.  I have my first pregnancy test on Thursday, May 19 (my birthday!).  Because it's my birthday and I'm nervous to ruin my birthday with bad news, I may test on Wednesday or ask the nurse to not call me until the second beta test.  I haven't decided yet though.

So cross every finger and all your toes that at least one of these little pups dig in and stick around!

Third Time's the Charm!! (two threes for two embryos)

Transfer impending

Sorry for being so quiet these last few weeks.  It's been a busy month or so.  I've been rather busy with trying to finish up my homework before graduation on Friday!  I also got to attend the Texas Library Association annual conference in Houston.  I've been doing physical therapy for my back ache that just wouldn't go away.  I was house sitting for my parents while they were out of town.  It's been very busy to say the least.  Allow me to catch you up on how our cycle is going.

The lupron shots went well.  Some nights they stung a bit more than others.  I had to take them with me to the conference, so the swankiest place I've given myself a shot is now the restroom of a Hilton hotel. I didn't notice too many symptoms from the lupron; either I didn't have any or I was too busy to notice.  My second appointment went well. Everything looked just like they wanted it to. I added in the estrogen pills about two weeks ago.  And a week ago, my lining check looked great; good and fluffy and ready to have an embryo snuggle in.  I've stopped the lupron shots now, replacing them with the progesterone in oil shots that Spencer has to give me.  He has done a great job with them; my left side hurts, but the right side usually goes off with very little discomfort.  Finally, in preparation for transfer, I was on a steroid and antibiotic for a few days.  I think I was taking about 8-9 pills a day for a few days!  This process sure does require a lot of medications.

Tomorrow afternoon is our transfer day.  We ask for good thoughts and prayers for a successful transfer.  I am at a loss for what else to say about it. Third time is the charm!

The only roller coaster I'll be riding any time soon...

I'm not looking forward to the roller coaster of emotions over the next month due to all the hormones. The last few months have been so stressful because of school, illness, an injured dog, and a broken house. February was when I took my big final exam in addition to my classwork (I passed btw; graduation here I come!). Spencer was at the doctor throughout February and March countless times trying to diagnose what turned out to be sludge in his gallbladder (it came out over spring break).  I was just diagnosed with scoliosis as the cause of my month-long back ache.  Our dog had double ear infections and fought me every night and morning when it came time for drops.  And our air conditioner had a wire crossed somewhere causing the heater to come on with the A/C.  Everything has resolved itself and life has started to settle down.  I was finally beginning to find an acceptance about everything and not feel so overwhelmed. I fear that's going to disappear soon or at least creep back in waves.

 

It started at the beginning of April with a brief pity party; gearing up to do that first shot brought back many of those thoughts. It just doesn't seem fair that getting pregnant is so easy for other women. They don't have to do months of shots and countless blood draws and invasive scans in order to get pregnant; they get to have fun with their husbands. They don't have to spend thousands of dollars on cycles and medications; they get to buy cute things for their baby-on-the-way without thinking about a price tag.  And there are so many people who just don't get infertility unless they've gone through it themselves.  

But then I think about how lucky we are. We were able to pursue treatment rather quickly; there are others who have to wait years before they can afford this process. We have gotten to see exactly how our future children were made.  And we get to talk about how our baby was made because it's not taboo to talk about medical procedures like it would be different positions or locations ;)

In addition to those feelings, I'm nervous about how this round will go.  I'm scared that it won't work again.  I'm scared that it will work, but I will lose the baby early on.  I'm scared that it will work and I won't be ready for pregnancy or a baby.  Or there will be a complication with the pregnancy.  I need to stop worrying; take it one day at a time, one step at a time.  I need to trust that whatever is supposed to happen will happen and there's nothing I can do to change that.  Spencer and I can handle anything life throws our way; we just proved that over the last few months ;)  And we have a great support network that will be there to cheer us along.

Third time's the charm

Friday morning, I went to my first scan of our second frozen embryo transfer. I was nervous going into it, but as soon as the nurse came to get me, it felt so familiar and exciting. It was rather routine; vitals signs gathered then changed for the scan.  My lining looked good and my endometrioma is still there on my left ovary. I got my directions and the nurse looked over my medications. Turns out I can't use the lupron I had leftover from the last cycle because it's expired. So I have to order another kit for about $200 knowing I'm only going to need about half of it. :( oh well.

Friday night was the first of the injections for this round. It took me a while to figure out what time I wanted to do these. The shots have to be done at the same time everyday, so you really have to think ahead to know what conflicts might cause a problem with the selected time. I settled on 8pm. I wasn't nervous about the shots at all, until it was time to actually stab myself. You're supposed to stab yourself quickly, in a darting motion. I'm not very good at working up the courage for that; it seems like when I try that the needle doesn't pierce the skin and just bounces off. So I end up going slower than I ought to at first. The shot went ok, but I did get a red splotch at the injection site about 20 minutes later. One down, only about 4 more weeks to go. 

I go back for another scan and blood work in two weeks. We should get to do our transfer around May 10th if everything continues as planned!

An unwanted anniversary

It’s been almost a year since our first blood test to determine what was wrong with my cycles.  We are still taking things one day at a time even though we are extremely disappointed with the cards life keeps dealing us.  But I refuse to be brought down completely and will try to look on the bright side.

This whole experience is teaching us patience.  And I have a feeling that we are going to need a lot of it when we finally do get a kid.  Hearing stories about what Spencer was like as a kid and knowing my thoughts growing up, our kids are going to be a handful, I’m sure.  Sweet angels, but little devils as well.  Spencer has the guts to do things, even if he knows he’ll get in trouble; I schemed a lot as a kid, but never had the guts to do it.  Both of these traits combined in a kid will definitely make us feel out numbered.  Even if our kid is nothing like that, babies are a lot of work, so this waiting period will just make us learn to appreciate our children more and enjoy the time we get with them.

We are also learning to be thankful for our struggle.   As weird as that sounds, it’s so true.  Spencer and I attended a support group meeting a few weeks ago. Everyone shared their struggles with infertility and, oddly enough, we actually felt better about our situation.  We have not been struggling nearly as long as some of these women.  We haven’t felt the loss of a baby at 9 weeks or 20 weeks or after birth.  We had 11 embryos to work with.  We were able to afford a cycle of IVF pretty quickly.  So many of the women we met have such little odds of success that it makes us feel much better about our situation.  Ours still sucks, especially if you compare it to friends who weren’t even trying and got pregnant quickly; but ours isn’t the worst it could be.  Plus, because of the IVF path we have had to take, we have that much more of an appreciation for how our children are made.  We know exactly when our child was fertilized and implanted; how many parents get to know their child like that before he or she is every put back in the womb?

I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps it’s for the best our cycles have failed thus far.  I’m finishing graduate school and am currently stressed out constantly about school work; this won’t end for another three months.  Spencer is sick and tired of his job and wants a change.  He is looking for a job as an assistant principal, but even if that doesn’t come to him, he wants out of the classroom.  So if job hunting doesn’t go our way over the next few months, it will be very stressful trying to live off of a smaller income or finding Spencer something worth changing careers to.  And on top of all that stress, add in a newborn baby and I’m not sure we’d cope very well.  Since our cycles haven’t worked, we are waiting until May to try again.  That means we can face all of these rather large life changes knowing we still have nine months to figure out how to afford a child as well.

I know in my heart that eventually we will have a child.  For whatever reason, it’s just not meant to be at the moment.  That child will be more loved and wanted that it will ever know.  In the meantime, we get to love on our nephews and nieces, finish school and find new jobs, pay off more debt, drink beer, travel kid-free, and just enjoy knowing that the only major responsibility we have is a dog.