this sucks

Second beta was today.  It came back as less than one, so we officially have a chemical pregnancy on our hands.  Two perfectly-rated embryos and neither one stuck.  It's quite disappointing. I have no plan for how to proceed at this moment. I guess we will start with the followup with the doctor and go from there.  I've no idea how we can afford another cycle any time soon at this point.  We are just very disappointed with this news.  I can't help feeling quite inadequate.

Prayers and good thoughts please!

I tested yesterday on a home pregnancy test and it was negative.  Quite disappointing since I'd convinced myself I was having plenty of symptoms.  There are a myriad of reasons the test could be negative, so I wasn't completely giving up hope.  It could still be too early, the dollar store test I used wasn't sensitive enough, or the test expires this month.

Today was my actual beta test. I went and got my blood drawn and then went to physical therapy.  Just as I was finishing up at PT, I got the phone call.  My level is 9.9. Anything over 5 is considered positive, but this is a very low positive, so I should not get my hopes up. The nurse said cautious optimism until I go back on Saturday for another beta.  We are hoping for 20 or more as the result for that test.  That would put us on track for a positive pregnancy.  If it doesn't rise, then it's another chemical pregnancy.  I'm not letting myself think that far ahead, just staying positive that this little embryo(s) is just a procrastinator and as stubborn as me.

So lots of prayers and positive thoughts please!

5dp5dt

Today marks five days past our 5 day embryo transfer (that's what the title means in abbreviations).

The pups are on board!

On Tuesday, May 10, we transferred two embryos.  They were originally rated perfectly at 4AA, but during the thaw, embryo two got downgraded to a 4AB.  It's still a great rating, though. 

I'd forgotten how uncomfortable the whole transfer process is. I had to have a full bladder so they could see the uterus better. Then during the transfer, they push the ultrasound wand into my tummy to visualize where to aim the embryos. That doesn't include the pap-smear-like process going on as well. They get me all prepped and then call the lab for the embryos. Our two came in one little syringe that the doctor shot into my lining. Then they take the syringe back to the lab to make sure it's empty. Instead of getting to use the restroom, I have to lay there for a while; after that, it's just go home and rest up.  

The little mouse pointer is where our pups are.

We also get to keep doing the progesterone shots every night; I say we because Spencer has to do those still.  I've not been able to work up the courage to try the intramuscular shots on myself.  We have found that my right side doesn't hurt, while the left side is rather uncomfortable; funny how that happens.

Over the last week, I've been working on providing the best environment possible.  I cleaned up my diet, eating more fruits and veggies and less sugar. I've taken it easy, trying not to do too much or stress over anything. I don't feel any different but it's still early.  The chart below shows exactly what happens each day past transfer.  So as of now, implantation ought to be complete and the placenta and fetus cells are developing.  I have my first pregnancy test on Thursday, May 19 (my birthday!).  Because it's my birthday and I'm nervous to ruin my birthday with bad news, I may test on Wednesday or ask the nurse to not call me until the second beta test.  I haven't decided yet though.

So cross every finger and all your toes that at least one of these little pups dig in and stick around!

Third Time's the Charm!! (two threes for two embryos)

Transfer impending

Sorry for being so quiet these last few weeks.  It's been a busy month or so.  I've been rather busy with trying to finish up my homework before graduation on Friday!  I also got to attend the Texas Library Association annual conference in Houston.  I've been doing physical therapy for my back ache that just wouldn't go away.  I was house sitting for my parents while they were out of town.  It's been very busy to say the least.  Allow me to catch you up on how our cycle is going.

The lupron shots went well.  Some nights they stung a bit more than others.  I had to take them with me to the conference, so the swankiest place I've given myself a shot is now the restroom of a Hilton hotel. I didn't notice too many symptoms from the lupron; either I didn't have any or I was too busy to notice.  My second appointment went well. Everything looked just like they wanted it to. I added in the estrogen pills about two weeks ago.  And a week ago, my lining check looked great; good and fluffy and ready to have an embryo snuggle in.  I've stopped the lupron shots now, replacing them with the progesterone in oil shots that Spencer has to give me.  He has done a great job with them; my left side hurts, but the right side usually goes off with very little discomfort.  Finally, in preparation for transfer, I was on a steroid and antibiotic for a few days.  I think I was taking about 8-9 pills a day for a few days!  This process sure does require a lot of medications.

Tomorrow afternoon is our transfer day.  We ask for good thoughts and prayers for a successful transfer.  I am at a loss for what else to say about it. Third time is the charm!

The only roller coaster I'll be riding any time soon...

I'm not looking forward to the roller coaster of emotions over the next month due to all the hormones. The last few months have been so stressful because of school, illness, an injured dog, and a broken house. February was when I took my big final exam in addition to my classwork (I passed btw; graduation here I come!). Spencer was at the doctor throughout February and March countless times trying to diagnose what turned out to be sludge in his gallbladder (it came out over spring break).  I was just diagnosed with scoliosis as the cause of my month-long back ache.  Our dog had double ear infections and fought me every night and morning when it came time for drops.  And our air conditioner had a wire crossed somewhere causing the heater to come on with the A/C.  Everything has resolved itself and life has started to settle down.  I was finally beginning to find an acceptance about everything and not feel so overwhelmed. I fear that's going to disappear soon or at least creep back in waves.

 

It started at the beginning of April with a brief pity party; gearing up to do that first shot brought back many of those thoughts. It just doesn't seem fair that getting pregnant is so easy for other women. They don't have to do months of shots and countless blood draws and invasive scans in order to get pregnant; they get to have fun with their husbands. They don't have to spend thousands of dollars on cycles and medications; they get to buy cute things for their baby-on-the-way without thinking about a price tag.  And there are so many people who just don't get infertility unless they've gone through it themselves.  

But then I think about how lucky we are. We were able to pursue treatment rather quickly; there are others who have to wait years before they can afford this process. We have gotten to see exactly how our future children were made.  And we get to talk about how our baby was made because it's not taboo to talk about medical procedures like it would be different positions or locations ;)

In addition to those feelings, I'm nervous about how this round will go.  I'm scared that it won't work again.  I'm scared that it will work, but I will lose the baby early on.  I'm scared that it will work and I won't be ready for pregnancy or a baby.  Or there will be a complication with the pregnancy.  I need to stop worrying; take it one day at a time, one step at a time.  I need to trust that whatever is supposed to happen will happen and there's nothing I can do to change that.  Spencer and I can handle anything life throws our way; we just proved that over the last few months ;)  And we have a great support network that will be there to cheer us along.

Third time's the charm

Friday morning, I went to my first scan of our second frozen embryo transfer. I was nervous going into it, but as soon as the nurse came to get me, it felt so familiar and exciting. It was rather routine; vitals signs gathered then changed for the scan.  My lining looked good and my endometrioma is still there on my left ovary. I got my directions and the nurse looked over my medications. Turns out I can't use the lupron I had leftover from the last cycle because it's expired. So I have to order another kit for about $200 knowing I'm only going to need about half of it. :( oh well.

Friday night was the first of the injections for this round. It took me a while to figure out what time I wanted to do these. The shots have to be done at the same time everyday, so you really have to think ahead to know what conflicts might cause a problem with the selected time. I settled on 8pm. I wasn't nervous about the shots at all, until it was time to actually stab myself. You're supposed to stab yourself quickly, in a darting motion. I'm not very good at working up the courage for that; it seems like when I try that the needle doesn't pierce the skin and just bounces off. So I end up going slower than I ought to at first. The shot went ok, but I did get a red splotch at the injection site about 20 minutes later. One down, only about 4 more weeks to go. 

I go back for another scan and blood work in two weeks. We should get to do our transfer around May 10th if everything continues as planned!

An unwanted anniversary

It’s been almost a year since our first blood test to determine what was wrong with my cycles.  We are still taking things one day at a time even though we are extremely disappointed with the cards life keeps dealing us.  But I refuse to be brought down completely and will try to look on the bright side.

This whole experience is teaching us patience.  And I have a feeling that we are going to need a lot of it when we finally do get a kid.  Hearing stories about what Spencer was like as a kid and knowing my thoughts growing up, our kids are going to be a handful, I’m sure.  Sweet angels, but little devils as well.  Spencer has the guts to do things, even if he knows he’ll get in trouble; I schemed a lot as a kid, but never had the guts to do it.  Both of these traits combined in a kid will definitely make us feel out numbered.  Even if our kid is nothing like that, babies are a lot of work, so this waiting period will just make us learn to appreciate our children more and enjoy the time we get with them.

We are also learning to be thankful for our struggle.   As weird as that sounds, it’s so true.  Spencer and I attended a support group meeting a few weeks ago. Everyone shared their struggles with infertility and, oddly enough, we actually felt better about our situation.  We have not been struggling nearly as long as some of these women.  We haven’t felt the loss of a baby at 9 weeks or 20 weeks or after birth.  We had 11 embryos to work with.  We were able to afford a cycle of IVF pretty quickly.  So many of the women we met have such little odds of success that it makes us feel much better about our situation.  Ours still sucks, especially if you compare it to friends who weren’t even trying and got pregnant quickly; but ours isn’t the worst it could be.  Plus, because of the IVF path we have had to take, we have that much more of an appreciation for how our children are made.  We know exactly when our child was fertilized and implanted; how many parents get to know their child like that before he or she is every put back in the womb?

I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps it’s for the best our cycles have failed thus far.  I’m finishing graduate school and am currently stressed out constantly about school work; this won’t end for another three months.  Spencer is sick and tired of his job and wants a change.  He is looking for a job as an assistant principal, but even if that doesn’t come to him, he wants out of the classroom.  So if job hunting doesn’t go our way over the next few months, it will be very stressful trying to live off of a smaller income or finding Spencer something worth changing careers to.  And on top of all that stress, add in a newborn baby and I’m not sure we’d cope very well.  Since our cycles haven’t worked, we are waiting until May to try again.  That means we can face all of these rather large life changes knowing we still have nine months to figure out how to afford a child as well.

I know in my heart that eventually we will have a child.  For whatever reason, it’s just not meant to be at the moment.  That child will be more loved and wanted that it will ever know.  In the meantime, we get to love on our nephews and nieces, finish school and find new jobs, pay off more debt, drink beer, travel kid-free, and just enjoy knowing that the only major responsibility we have is a dog.