The kids came home

My parents were watching the kids most of last week while I was the most laid up after surgery. They came home after daycare on Friday. It was hard for them the first few days to remember that mommy can't pick them up. But they have done really well. I can sit with them and they can sit in my lap pretty well without hurting me.

Owen has far surpassed my expectations. He had some major meltdowns the first day or so because I wouldn't pick him up when he wanted. But I would sit down and hold him until he was better. Now he seems to be the more conscious one of going easy on me. He is much more gentle around me than Elizabeth. And in the mornings, he has me stand up then he takes my hand to go down the stairs together. So cute how he leads me.

Elizabeth has done pretty well but she seems more incapable of controlling her flailing arms and ends up hitting my stomach occasionally. Nothing has hurt too bad, but she definitely needs to work on self-control.

Both have been really cute about wanting to see my owwies; they lift my shirt up and touch the glue on my incisions ever so gently. It makes me a tad sad seeing them play with my tummy knowing they will never get to do that for a baby brother or sister. Not that was ever a plan, but knowing it'll never happen now makes it seem more real.

Weekends

Each week, I seem to want to live for the weekend. Life during the week is just so busy. We get up, go to daycare/work, go home, eat, play for a few minutes before bedtime. Then Elizabeth takes an hour or two (or three on a bad night) to put to bed. By then, I'm exhausted and often just ignore the mess in the kitchen and fall into bed instead. The weekends are time to catch up and play, to have fun. But these two kiddos require so much attention right now (read as they cry unless mommy sits with them), so not much gets done. We try to take the kids out to a store or somewhere different in order to wear them out, but that wears out everyone and the adults don't get to nap.

I suppose this is a new normal. The routines help and eventually E will get better about going to bed and we will have more time in the evening to get a few things done. Just hope that comes sooner rather than later.

PPD, PPA, PPT?

Haha. I made that last one up. (In my mind, it'd be Postpartum Tired.)  But seriously. I want to write about my experience with postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety.  Partially as a way to cope with my feelings and thoughts, and partially as a way to share in case someone else can see similar symptoms in themselves.

I finally broke down and admitted that I don't feel right around December (I think).  I'd go to the doctor's office and end up have a small, teary melt downs. I'd blame it on lack of sleep and stress and that's how I usually function at a doctor's office (I hate it, but I've always been that way).  I think the visit that finally led me to admit defeat (not the best term, but all I've come up with right now) was for tummy problems.  Without getting graphic, I was having way more upset stomachs than I usually do.  Looking back now, I'm pretty sure it was stress related.  The doctor offered to run some blood tests and check me out.  Everything came back normal.  But while describing the pain, I broke down crying. This isn't uncommon for me because I'm so stubborn that I usually end up visiting the doctor as a last resort and when I've finally reached by breaking limit. So if I'm there, then you know it's bad.  

The doctor kept asking if I was sure I'm okay and if I've been depressed.  And here's the thing- I didn't feel like I was.  I didn't really have many negative thoughts or self-harm thoughts.  I was still rather cocky about my ability to "handle" everything. I didn't usually feel down or sad, but I would cry more easily at stupid things. Maybe I'm not sure what the official definition of depression is or I was in denial and blaming things on being tired (my twins were only 5 months old, so of course I'm tired) or hormonal (I'd recently given up breastfeeding/pumping, not to mention pregnancy and my PCOS before that).  I didn't get to do activities because of the kids, not because I didn't want to.  But after being asked by at least two doctors in less than a month if I was depressed, I decided to admit that maybe I am a little bit. (Although to this day I still think of it as more anxiety than depression; perhaps that from society placing such a negative stigma on depression, who knows?)

My doctor had me fill out a questionnaire to measure my depression level.  Imagine the surveys in Cosmo about what kind of wedding dress to buy based on what cake you pick or your dream guy based on your dream date.  I don't remember all of the questions exactly, but many of them were hard to distinguish between am I saying yes to this because I'm depressed or because my kids don't let me sleep or have time to do anything.  I think my score came out rather high, so probably moderate to severe depression.  The doctor gave me a prescription, told me about the side effects, and told me to come back in a few weeks to see how I felt.

OMG the side effects of starting a depression medication suck!! Stomach cramping was the worst, as well as an immense level of fatigue as my body tried to figure out what to do with the changing hormones again.  But as I grew more accustomed to it, I realized I was no longer crying over stupid things and I felt more calm.  Things were getting better and I felt like I could cope better. 

A month or two in, the "month of sickness" struck.  The kids had started daycare and their immune systems went down, taking ours with them.  We all took turns getting sick; I think everyone missed at least one day of work/school each week.  With my parents out of town, it was a fight for survival. The bare minimum was accomplished each day. And my stress levels began to increase.  I'd find myself having anxiety attacks occasionally- usually in the car, sitting in traffic while one or both kids cried.  My nerves would be frayed and I'd just tense up and not be able to calm down.  I might shake some and my heart rate would increase. Breathing seemed more labored and my appetite would disappear.  After the second one of these in two weeks, I called the doctor and we upped my dose.  Things got better briefly, then another major stressor a few months later hit. I think this time the kids were teething and fussy more often.  Things at work were kind of crazy too. Panic attacks all over again.  Upped my dose to the highest level and it seemed to help. 

For a while. During my period, the hormones would take over and cause my meds to be less effective.  I'd find myself clenching my jaw unconsciously. I was stress eating (or not eating sometimes). Dr. Pepper became water for me and I was lucky to convince myself to drink a glass of water a day.  I used to have a very strict one soda a day policy, but I could not help myself now.  I drank coffee, which I hate unless there's more sugar and milk in it than coffee!  I went through huge bags of candy way too quickly. I'm so glad it's not a candy holiday for a while; but I've recently started to raid my baking supplies for chocolate and icing (Don't judge too harshly please).  

Memorial Day was particularly stressful because the kids decided they no longer needed to nap that weekend. I forget what we did to throw them off their schedules so bad, but I remember wanting to leave and not come back.  I was ecstatic that my girls trip with my mom and sister to California was the next weekend. I was finally going to get a break! And it was nice to get away.  But I realized that I was eating way more than I should and when I came back, things hadn't improved much. I was still stress eating sweets and having thoughts of being a failure.

Back to the doctor's office; this time, she gave me a new prescription to try.  The stomach pain was miserable during the adjustment phase.  And I'm still stress eating and drinking Dr. Pepper like it's water.  I kept getting dizzy with this new medicine too. It's the strangest feeling of numbness in my extremities for about a heartbeat, accompanied by a faint, dizzy feeling.  I feel weak and ready to pass out at any moment, but don't.  I go back again this week and plan on telling the doctor that it's not working.  I have little patience with the kids unless they are perfect angels, which isn't going to happen while they are teething again.

I'm tired of this. I just want to feel normal again. Part of me doesn't even remember what normal feels like.  I'm back to crying a lot and just feeling like I can't handle life (not in a suicidal way, but more of a childish-run-away-from-my-problems-and-not-look-back way).  I'm struggling to find the will to turn off Candy Crush and get off my butt to clean the kitchen or cook dinner or do laundry.  I want to go out with the kids and immediately regret it when it becomes slightly difficult or they start whining. Life with twins has gotten so much easier, but also so much more complicated as they get older (that's a whole other post in itself).  I'm slowly rediscovering things that make me feel normal (like reading a book or cooking).  I think it's just going to be a long hard process.  In the meantime, I'll keep trying to get creative with the ways I cope and lean on friends and family and the fun times to get me through the rough times.

16 things I've learned since becoming a mom

I read a ton of blogs about pregnancy and a few about raising kids while pregnant. I was so tired and overwhelmed I wanted to take it one day at a time and not get too far ahead of myself. Oops. Turns out I don't have time now, so it's mostly winging it or googling as things come up. Probably for the best really. So I decided to come up with a list of things I've learned in the last year, mostly stuff I don't remember seeing anywhere before.

Before you get pregnant...

Teach your partner to make your favorite comfort foods. You will be sick and want that dish your mom makes. Hubby will try to make the recipe, but you never actually use the recipe as written. It will be good,  but just not quite right and won't kill the craving.

Stock your freezer with freezer meals. This goes along with the tip before, especially if your partner isn't a strong cook.

Squats! Do so many squats (weighted even) and build up those leg muscles. As you develop that bump, bending over will be hard so you will end up squatting more. And you will be carrying extra weight from the baby/ies. Your thighs are gonna burn! I thought it'd get better after pregnancy, but nope. You will have a baby in your arms and they drop their burp cloth. Gotta squat to pick it up. Let's just say I have excellent legs now.

During pregnancy...

Give yourself grace. You will be tired. You are growing another living being.

Go to labor and delivery whenever you feel like you might need to. I didn't want to be that worrywart, but finally decided it's better safe than sorry.

Watch your blood pressure. If you start to feel off, check your blood pressure. I thought it was blood sugar levels too high or low.  That's actually the start of my blood pressure problems. Swelling is a bad sign too. My feet and legs swelled bad, but my doctor said that it was my face and hands that could indicate a bad problem.  Keep track of it and let your doctor know as soon as it starts to creep up.

People lose all sense of what's appropriate and private. I had my belly rubbed by complete strangers.  People always want to know the sex. I'm rather open and told them way more than they'd want to know, but you don't have to. Just come up with a few witty-comebacks or perfect the smile and keep walking look.

After pregnancy...

Ask for breast milk in the hospital. In our hospital, the kids stayed with us in our room. My milk didn't come in at first, so the nurses offered breast milk donated to the NICU. I don't know if they do that for everyone, but it doesn't hurt to ask before going to formula to supplement.

Keep all the little bottles. If you do get breast milk, it comes in tiny little 2 ounce bottles with disposable nipples. Rinse these out and take home. They are the perfect size for the first few months when the kids only eat less than 2 ounces at a time. Plus when the kids are bigger, they will be able to start holding the bottle on their own sooner since these are smaller and lighter.

Sleep when you can. Ask for help. It's hard raising a newborn. Some nights are harder than others. Don't worry about the state of your house. Your and your baby's well-being is more important. Figure out the bare minimum of what needs to get done and do that. Then make a plan for the bigger stuff and just do a little bit each day.  For us, sometimes it was just clean the bottles and laundry.  We survived on a lot of fast food and our house was a complete mess for the longest time.  We just tossed things we didn't need in a spare room to hide it.

Embrace the drive thru and grocery delivery. I hated any drive thru before kids. If I was driving, I always parked and went inside. Not now with two babies. Anything with a drive thru or curbside service gets my business now. And those grocery stores that will shop for you and bring it out to your car...amazing! When I was too sick during the pregnancy and now that there are two babies, this feature is a God-send.

Don't go to the store alone in the first month. You will need a well-rested chaperone. Hubby and I would go to the store while my parents watched the kids. It was like going somewhere drunk. We were so sleep deprived we couldn't think straight.  Trips took twice as long because we couldn't keep a train of thought long enough to accomplish the task. Lists were essential. We would walk to the baby section to get diapers and realized we didn't grab a basket. Deciding between brands on anything was tough.

Give yourself grace here too.You are doing the best you can. Both of you are adapting to a new life and figuring it out as you go along. If you care about being a bad mom, then you really are a good mom because a bad one wouldn't care so much. (if that sentence makes any sense at all)

Trust your mommy gut.  There have been a few times I tried to play it cool and let the doctor tell me I was crazy or imagining things or it was normal. But then I'd be right back in his office a few days later with a sick kid. I'm learning now to trust that I know when something isn't quite right.  I at least make the doctor investigate a tad bit more instead of accepting a brush-off.  That's what I'm paying him for, and I know my kid the best after all.

Document your experience. I don't remember much from the first 6-9 months. I have notes I made in my phone about milestones and fun things we did, plus I have a million photos/videos from my phone, as well as my husband, grandparents, and daycare. My hope is to one day find the time to gather them all in one place. My sister-in-law made a book for my nephew's first year, editing each month so it was ready to go on his 1st birthday. I thought that was a great idea.

It took 9 months for your body to change, give it at least that long to return to "normal."  I don't think I'll every really look the same as I did pre-kids. I have some stretch marks and my c-section scar.  My belly button is still a weird innie/outie.  My abs separated alot to make room for the twins.  I couldn't feel my bladder for a while.  The kids are now 10 months old and I still don't feel like I'm back to normal.  The scar is hidden from public view, my tummy still shows signs of stretch marks, scars from my surgeries, and my belly button is still odd. My abs have gone back together some, but I can tell they still aren't 100%.  I'm trying not to lose patience and accept that these changes may become permanent, but it can be hard sometimes to feel cute/sexy when my hair is a mess and I can't remember the last time I showered.

That's all I have for now. Any tips you want to add...

Traveling circus

I like to call us the traveling circus when we go out in public.  It's an adventure every time when we have to unload the car and take the stroller out. The double stroller (or baby limo as Spencer's coworkers dubbed it) with two infant car seats attached always draw attention. And that stroller is a beast! It's heavy and long. It folds up rather well and fits in our mini van ok (it even fit in the Camry trunk without the toddler seats on it). It's a dance trying to get both kids in and out of the van by myself. Leave the van running so the kids are comfortable while unloading and setting up the stroller.  Grab the first kid and lock their car seat in place. Grab the second kid, while trying to watch that the first one doesn't go anywhere in the stroller in that brief moment, and lock that car seat into place. Turn off the van, lock up, go shopping (etc.). Reverse all of that when you get back to the van after your errand. It really makes me miss malls and their one stop shopping. And I actually use the drive thru now; I hated them before because it was always iffy on understanding the person taking my order. Now just give me some type of food; just don't make me unload my kids.  I have become much more efficient when planning shopping trips or wait for Spencer to be able to watch them.

Anyways, the point of this post was to record the crazy things that people say to us while we are in public. We can't go anywhere where we don't get at least 2-3 comments on the kids. I don't mind it; my kids are special and I don't mind others acknowledging that too.  When I'm in the mood, I use this as an opportunity to educate people on twins and IVF.  I know it won't last forever because eventually they will just look like siblings. Some days, when I know the kids aren't going to last much longer, I get a little annoyed that I can't just check out and go. No, I have to have a conversation with the cashier first.  But I've perfected the graceful smile-say-thanks-and-keep-walking routine.  And I have a strict no touching policy; I will slap your hand away and yell at you for that.  Luckily it hasn't happened, but I did have the greeter at Walmart wanting to straightening Elizabeth's head while she was sleeping [I told her that E was fine how she was; she'd move her head if it bothered her].

So here are some that I remember (and I'll continue to add to this list as we encounter more)...

• Double trouble
• Twice blessed
• Are they twins?
• Are they identical?
• Oh, one boy and one girl, so you're done having kids now?
• Are these your first?
• Do you mind if I just look at your kids? I've always wanted twins.
• My [insert relative or friend here] has twins [or triplets].
• Do they sleep a lot [or thru the night]?
• Were they natural?
• Do twins run in your family?
• Where you shocked when you found out you were having twins?

Helping others and a few other random/ deep thoughts

Wednesday, someone in the Facebook support group that I'm in asked about the timing of their trigger shot with Lupron to make sure it sounded right.  There are two different trigger shots you can give yourself for IVF and they are rather different from my understanding.  I replied back telling her that I did the exact same thing with my cycle 18 months ago (has it really been that long!?).  She asked some follow up questions and I'd answer them based on what I could remember.  Turns out she uses my first doctor and sounds like she's following a very similar protocol to mine.  She messaged me yesterday to ask more questions about retrieval and what to expect.  It was kind of nice being able to help calm and inform someone going through this roller coaster of a process.  She had her retrieval this morning and now it's more of the waiting and worrying game for her.

It's moments like this that I'm glad I started this blog, even if it's mostly been friends and family following our journey and not necessarily other women going through IVF. When I learned I'd need IVF, that was my first stop- Google to find other women who'd shared their experiences.  I found a few blogs/vlogs that I enjoyed and watched them all.  I've been doing the same thing since learning we are having twins. I know every experience is different, but somehow seeing someone else make it through the process helps remind me that I've got this. I'm glad I was there to help that woman out, even though we'd never met.  I'm so happy that we went public with our journey to be able to help others.

I've been wondering what to do with my blog once the kids get here.  I'm more apprehensive to share so much of their lives with the world when I don't know who's reading.  Once they come, I'm considering using a Facebook group that I can monitor who sees each post and pictures while still keeping everyone informed.  The blog may fall to the wayside and become less frequent and a tad more guarded when it comes to personal details. I haven't decided yet. I'm torn because I know how much these types of blogs have helped me but I want to protect my children's privacy.

I've also been thinking about how my blog posts (and my sharing them on Facebook) affect others who might be in an earlier stage of their infertility journey.  Sometimes I hate clicking that share button on Facebook because I'm never sure if someone is going to see our good news and have their heart break just a little bit more. I completely understand that feeling; I experienced it often.  Many nights of walking the dog turned into my own little pity party.  I unfollowed alot of people on Facebook during our journey. I didn't unfriend them, but I wanted to control when I got to see their baby/grandbaby updates.  I think about the women out there who just want a kid and can't have one; I feel guilty every time I publish and share a post that we finally are where we were hoping to be years ago.  So I don't blame anyone who ignores my posts or unfollows me. I don't know that I'll ever know who you are, but know this. Don't give up; your dreams will come true eventually, just maybe not exactly in the way you first expected. Please reach out if you ever want to talk. I know a great Facebook support group I can refer you to as well; there are women at all stages of infertility there willing to share, help, love, celebrate, and mourn with you.

Well, that post went a slightly different direction than I'd originally intended (even though it was kind of a spur of the moment post).  Kind of a tangent post, but still something I wanted to get out there.  Thanks for listening. :)