PPD, PPA, PPT?

Haha. I made that last one up. (In my mind, it'd be Postpartum Tired.)  But seriously. I want to write about my experience with postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety.  Partially as a way to cope with my feelings and thoughts, and partially as a way to share in case someone else can see similar symptoms in themselves.

I finally broke down and admitted that I don't feel right around December (I think).  I'd go to the doctor's office and end up have a small, teary melt downs. I'd blame it on lack of sleep and stress and that's how I usually function at a doctor's office (I hate it, but I've always been that way).  I think the visit that finally led me to admit defeat (not the best term, but all I've come up with right now) was for tummy problems.  Without getting graphic, I was having way more upset stomachs than I usually do.  Looking back now, I'm pretty sure it was stress related.  The doctor offered to run some blood tests and check me out.  Everything came back normal.  But while describing the pain, I broke down crying. This isn't uncommon for me because I'm so stubborn that I usually end up visiting the doctor as a last resort and when I've finally reached by breaking limit. So if I'm there, then you know it's bad.  

The doctor kept asking if I was sure I'm okay and if I've been depressed.  And here's the thing- I didn't feel like I was.  I didn't really have many negative thoughts or self-harm thoughts.  I was still rather cocky about my ability to "handle" everything. I didn't usually feel down or sad, but I would cry more easily at stupid things. Maybe I'm not sure what the official definition of depression is or I was in denial and blaming things on being tired (my twins were only 5 months old, so of course I'm tired) or hormonal (I'd recently given up breastfeeding/pumping, not to mention pregnancy and my PCOS before that).  I didn't get to do activities because of the kids, not because I didn't want to.  But after being asked by at least two doctors in less than a month if I was depressed, I decided to admit that maybe I am a little bit. (Although to this day I still think of it as more anxiety than depression; perhaps that from society placing such a negative stigma on depression, who knows?)

My doctor had me fill out a questionnaire to measure my depression level.  Imagine the surveys in Cosmo about what kind of wedding dress to buy based on what cake you pick or your dream guy based on your dream date.  I don't remember all of the questions exactly, but many of them were hard to distinguish between am I saying yes to this because I'm depressed or because my kids don't let me sleep or have time to do anything.  I think my score came out rather high, so probably moderate to severe depression.  The doctor gave me a prescription, told me about the side effects, and told me to come back in a few weeks to see how I felt.

OMG the side effects of starting a depression medication suck!! Stomach cramping was the worst, as well as an immense level of fatigue as my body tried to figure out what to do with the changing hormones again.  But as I grew more accustomed to it, I realized I was no longer crying over stupid things and I felt more calm.  Things were getting better and I felt like I could cope better. 

A month or two in, the "month of sickness" struck.  The kids had started daycare and their immune systems went down, taking ours with them.  We all took turns getting sick; I think everyone missed at least one day of work/school each week.  With my parents out of town, it was a fight for survival. The bare minimum was accomplished each day. And my stress levels began to increase.  I'd find myself having anxiety attacks occasionally- usually in the car, sitting in traffic while one or both kids cried.  My nerves would be frayed and I'd just tense up and not be able to calm down.  I might shake some and my heart rate would increase. Breathing seemed more labored and my appetite would disappear.  After the second one of these in two weeks, I called the doctor and we upped my dose.  Things got better briefly, then another major stressor a few months later hit. I think this time the kids were teething and fussy more often.  Things at work were kind of crazy too. Panic attacks all over again.  Upped my dose to the highest level and it seemed to help. 

For a while. During my period, the hormones would take over and cause my meds to be less effective.  I'd find myself clenching my jaw unconsciously. I was stress eating (or not eating sometimes). Dr. Pepper became water for me and I was lucky to convince myself to drink a glass of water a day.  I used to have a very strict one soda a day policy, but I could not help myself now.  I drank coffee, which I hate unless there's more sugar and milk in it than coffee!  I went through huge bags of candy way too quickly. I'm so glad it's not a candy holiday for a while; but I've recently started to raid my baking supplies for chocolate and icing (Don't judge too harshly please).  

Memorial Day was particularly stressful because the kids decided they no longer needed to nap that weekend. I forget what we did to throw them off their schedules so bad, but I remember wanting to leave and not come back.  I was ecstatic that my girls trip with my mom and sister to California was the next weekend. I was finally going to get a break! And it was nice to get away.  But I realized that I was eating way more than I should and when I came back, things hadn't improved much. I was still stress eating sweets and having thoughts of being a failure.

Back to the doctor's office; this time, she gave me a new prescription to try.  The stomach pain was miserable during the adjustment phase.  And I'm still stress eating and drinking Dr. Pepper like it's water.  I kept getting dizzy with this new medicine too. It's the strangest feeling of numbness in my extremities for about a heartbeat, accompanied by a faint, dizzy feeling.  I feel weak and ready to pass out at any moment, but don't.  I go back again this week and plan on telling the doctor that it's not working.  I have little patience with the kids unless they are perfect angels, which isn't going to happen while they are teething again.

I'm tired of this. I just want to feel normal again. Part of me doesn't even remember what normal feels like.  I'm back to crying a lot and just feeling like I can't handle life (not in a suicidal way, but more of a childish-run-away-from-my-problems-and-not-look-back way).  I'm struggling to find the will to turn off Candy Crush and get off my butt to clean the kitchen or cook dinner or do laundry.  I want to go out with the kids and immediately regret it when it becomes slightly difficult or they start whining. Life with twins has gotten so much easier, but also so much more complicated as they get older (that's a whole other post in itself).  I'm slowly rediscovering things that make me feel normal (like reading a book or cooking).  I think it's just going to be a long hard process.  In the meantime, I'll keep trying to get creative with the ways I cope and lean on friends and family and the fun times to get me through the rough times.

33 and 34 weeks

33 weeks (written last week, just never posted)

I started a draft for this post last week and forgot all about it.  Opening it up just now reminded me of how different our lives were just a week ago.  In order to avoid being vague and cryptic, I'll jump right in.  Wednesday, June 21st, Spencer was t-boned in a car accident.  I'm not going to go into too many details online just in case the insurance wants to use it against us later.  He is back home finally, starting the long road to recovery.

Before the accident happened, I'd had a physical therapy appointment that morning. The therapist "massaged" certain areas, helping to expel some knots and engage my muscles. I got some homework to work on to stretch things out at home.  Each visit helps a lot; I'm still sore, but it's more manageable.  I worked from home after physical therapy before we had our appointment with the OB.  I met Spencer there because he'd gone to work and had another appointment just before mine.

We got to wait for about 2 hours for our appointment this time; it's a bad sign when they bring out snacks for everyone in the waiting room.  I started to feel crummy while we were waiting, so I had a few snacks thinking it was just low blood sugar.  Once we were called back to see the doctor, the nurse got my vitals.  My blood pressure was kind of high at this point and my feet were swollen (all though that is a new normal).  The doctor talked with us about signs to keep an eye on and mentioned that it may be a good idea to work from home instead of going into work.  She did the sono to check for heartbeats.  Afterwards, she took my blood pressure again to see if it was still elevated.  If it had been, I was going to be sent to labor and delivery to get checked out.  Luckily, it went back down closer to my normal.  We go back again in two weeks for what may be our last appointment with that doctor before the babies come. Craziness!


34 weeks

This was probably the first week of the whole pregnancy that I haven't checked my app to see what the babies are supposed to be up to in there at 34 weeks.  I've just been too busy.  Like I said above, Spencer was in an accident a week and a half ago.  He broke his foot and has severe bruising and contusions that limit his mobility.  He's been home from the hospital for less than a week now, but improving a little bit every day.  In the meantime, I'm doing my best to help him out as I can while still taking it easy.

My boss has allowed me to work from home, for which I'm super grateful. I have about 4 appointments a week now, so working from home prevents me from needing to use so much sick leave and from driving by myself 20 miles to work along a fairly undeveloped highway twice a day.  I can put my feet up so they swell less while still getting some work done.  The doctors are very happy for this too; I think bed rest would have been in my future if I wasn't allowed to stay home more.

I had some more physical therapy this week. It has been helping a bunch but I'm still just super sore all of the time.  Sleeping has been much harder as of late because the hips always hurt. I just can't find a good position.  This weekend, Elizabeth has decided that my left hip bone is a good place to kick or something; probably not helping the hip pain I already have.

I saw the specialist a few days ago too.  Mom came with me this time since Spencer can't get around very well right now.  We had the doctor do a video of the ultrasound so Spencer could watch later.  The babies are doing really well. Owen was in a bad spot so it was hard to get accurate measurements.  The doctor estimated 5 lbs 2 oz, but thinks that's an underestimate.  Elizabeth was her usually squirmy self, weighing in at 4 lb 12 oz.  They are both doing great according to all the doctor's tests.  The only concern the doctor has is me right now.

My blood pressure being high and my swelling are signs of gestational hypertension or even pre-eclampsia.  I went to Labor and Delivery to get checked out the night of the accident, just to make sure everything was ok after what I'd witnessed. I also went about a week later when my blood pressure spiked.  An hour long non-stress test later, and I was sent home.  I feel bad about going with false alarms, but we promised the doctor I'd be better safe than sorry about this.  Anyways, when the specialist heard about all of this, she ordered a 24-hour urine test and some blood work to see what's up with me.  I did that all of Thursday (thank goodness I could work from home) and dropped off everything Friday morning. I am still waiting for the results, hoping for everything to come back normal, or at least just hypertension, and not pre-eclampsia.  I'm trying to keep these kids in as long as I can to give Spencer more time to recover.

So now, we wait. And try to take it easy while still getting things ready for the babies to come.  It's been hard for me to ask for help or even accept help. Partly because I'm still overwhelmed and not sure where to start on certain things.  Partly because I feel like a lazy bum asking someone to vacuum or clean up after us while I sit on the couch doing nothing.  It's going to be a learning experience.

Bump! or more like watermelon!

Helping others and a few other random/ deep thoughts

Wednesday, someone in the Facebook support group that I'm in asked about the timing of their trigger shot with Lupron to make sure it sounded right.  There are two different trigger shots you can give yourself for IVF and they are rather different from my understanding.  I replied back telling her that I did the exact same thing with my cycle 18 months ago (has it really been that long!?).  She asked some follow up questions and I'd answer them based on what I could remember.  Turns out she uses my first doctor and sounds like she's following a very similar protocol to mine.  She messaged me yesterday to ask more questions about retrieval and what to expect.  It was kind of nice being able to help calm and inform someone going through this roller coaster of a process.  She had her retrieval this morning and now it's more of the waiting and worrying game for her.

It's moments like this that I'm glad I started this blog, even if it's mostly been friends and family following our journey and not necessarily other women going through IVF. When I learned I'd need IVF, that was my first stop- Google to find other women who'd shared their experiences.  I found a few blogs/vlogs that I enjoyed and watched them all.  I've been doing the same thing since learning we are having twins. I know every experience is different, but somehow seeing someone else make it through the process helps remind me that I've got this. I'm glad I was there to help that woman out, even though we'd never met.  I'm so happy that we went public with our journey to be able to help others.

I've been wondering what to do with my blog once the kids get here.  I'm more apprehensive to share so much of their lives with the world when I don't know who's reading.  Once they come, I'm considering using a Facebook group that I can monitor who sees each post and pictures while still keeping everyone informed.  The blog may fall to the wayside and become less frequent and a tad more guarded when it comes to personal details. I haven't decided yet. I'm torn because I know how much these types of blogs have helped me but I want to protect my children's privacy.

I've also been thinking about how my blog posts (and my sharing them on Facebook) affect others who might be in an earlier stage of their infertility journey.  Sometimes I hate clicking that share button on Facebook because I'm never sure if someone is going to see our good news and have their heart break just a little bit more. I completely understand that feeling; I experienced it often.  Many nights of walking the dog turned into my own little pity party.  I unfollowed alot of people on Facebook during our journey. I didn't unfriend them, but I wanted to control when I got to see their baby/grandbaby updates.  I think about the women out there who just want a kid and can't have one; I feel guilty every time I publish and share a post that we finally are where we were hoping to be years ago.  So I don't blame anyone who ignores my posts or unfollows me. I don't know that I'll ever know who you are, but know this. Don't give up; your dreams will come true eventually, just maybe not exactly in the way you first expected. Please reach out if you ever want to talk. I know a great Facebook support group I can refer you to as well; there are women at all stages of infertility there willing to share, help, love, celebrate, and mourn with you.

Well, that post went a slightly different direction than I'd originally intended (even though it was kind of a spur of the moment post).  Kind of a tangent post, but still something I wanted to get out there.  Thanks for listening. :)