Haha. I made that last one up. (In my mind, it'd be Postpartum Tired.) But seriously. I want to write about my experience with postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety. Partially as a way to cope with my feelings and thoughts, and partially as a way to share in case someone else can see similar symptoms in themselves.
I finally broke down and admitted that I don't feel right around December (I think). I'd go to the doctor's office and end up have a small, teary melt downs. I'd blame it on lack of sleep and stress and that's how I usually function at a doctor's office (I hate it, but I've always been that way). I think the visit that finally led me to admit defeat (not the best term, but all I've come up with right now) was for tummy problems. Without getting graphic, I was having way more upset stomachs than I usually do. Looking back now, I'm pretty sure it was stress related. The doctor offered to run some blood tests and check me out. Everything came back normal. But while describing the pain, I broke down crying. This isn't uncommon for me because I'm so stubborn that I usually end up visiting the doctor as a last resort and when I've finally reached by breaking limit. So if I'm there, then you know it's bad.
The doctor kept asking if I was sure I'm okay and if I've been depressed. And here's the thing- I didn't feel like I was. I didn't really have many negative thoughts or self-harm thoughts. I was still rather cocky about my ability to "handle" everything. I didn't usually feel down or sad, but I would cry more easily at stupid things. Maybe I'm not sure what the official definition of depression is or I was in denial and blaming things on being tired (my twins were only 5 months old, so of course I'm tired) or hormonal (I'd recently given up breastfeeding/pumping, not to mention pregnancy and my PCOS before that). I didn't get to do activities because of the kids, not because I didn't want to. But after being asked by at least two doctors in less than a month if I was depressed, I decided to admit that maybe I am a little bit. (Although to this day I still think of it as more anxiety than depression; perhaps that from society placing such a negative stigma on depression, who knows?)
My doctor had me fill out a questionnaire to measure my depression level. Imagine the surveys in Cosmo about what kind of wedding dress to buy based on what cake you pick or your dream guy based on your dream date. I don't remember all of the questions exactly, but many of them were hard to distinguish between am I saying yes to this because I'm depressed or because my kids don't let me sleep or have time to do anything. I think my score came out rather high, so probably moderate to severe depression. The doctor gave me a prescription, told me about the side effects, and told me to come back in a few weeks to see how I felt.
OMG the side effects of starting a depression medication suck!! Stomach cramping was the worst, as well as an immense level of fatigue as my body tried to figure out what to do with the changing hormones again. But as I grew more accustomed to it, I realized I was no longer crying over stupid things and I felt more calm. Things were getting better and I felt like I could cope better.
A month or two in, the "month of sickness" struck. The kids had started daycare and their immune systems went down, taking ours with them. We all took turns getting sick; I think everyone missed at least one day of work/school each week. With my parents out of town, it was a fight for survival. The bare minimum was accomplished each day. And my stress levels began to increase. I'd find myself having anxiety attacks occasionally- usually in the car, sitting in traffic while one or both kids cried. My nerves would be frayed and I'd just tense up and not be able to calm down. I might shake some and my heart rate would increase. Breathing seemed more labored and my appetite would disappear. After the second one of these in two weeks, I called the doctor and we upped my dose. Things got better briefly, then another major stressor a few months later hit. I think this time the kids were teething and fussy more often. Things at work were kind of crazy too. Panic attacks all over again. Upped my dose to the highest level and it seemed to help.
For a while. During my period, the hormones would take over and cause my meds to be less effective. I'd find myself clenching my jaw unconsciously. I was stress eating (or not eating sometimes). Dr. Pepper became water for me and I was lucky to convince myself to drink a glass of water a day. I used to have a very strict one soda a day policy, but I could not help myself now. I drank coffee, which I hate unless there's more sugar and milk in it than coffee! I went through huge bags of candy way too quickly. I'm so glad it's not a candy holiday for a while; but I've recently started to raid my baking supplies for chocolate and icing (Don't judge too harshly please).
Memorial Day was particularly stressful because the kids decided they no longer needed to nap that weekend. I forget what we did to throw them off their schedules so bad, but I remember wanting to leave and not come back. I was ecstatic that my girls trip with my mom and sister to California was the next weekend. I was finally going to get a break! And it was nice to get away. But I realized that I was eating way more than I should and when I came back, things hadn't improved much. I was still stress eating sweets and having thoughts of being a failure.
Back to the doctor's office; this time, she gave me a new prescription to try. The stomach pain was miserable during the adjustment phase. And I'm still stress eating and drinking Dr. Pepper like it's water. I kept getting dizzy with this new medicine too. It's the strangest feeling of numbness in my extremities for about a heartbeat, accompanied by a faint, dizzy feeling. I feel weak and ready to pass out at any moment, but don't. I go back again this week and plan on telling the doctor that it's not working. I have little patience with the kids unless they are perfect angels, which isn't going to happen while they are teething again.
I'm tired of this. I just want to feel normal again. Part of me doesn't even remember what normal feels like. I'm back to crying a lot and just feeling like I can't handle life (not in a suicidal way, but more of a childish-run-away-from-my-problems-and-not-look-back way). I'm struggling to find the will to turn off Candy Crush and get off my butt to clean the kitchen or cook dinner or do laundry. I want to go out with the kids and immediately regret it when it becomes slightly difficult or they start whining. Life with twins has gotten so much easier, but also so much more complicated as they get older (that's a whole other post in itself). I'm slowly rediscovering things that make me feel normal (like reading a book or cooking). I think it's just going to be a long hard process. In the meantime, I'll keep trying to get creative with the ways I cope and lean on friends and family and the fun times to get me through the rough times.
