Weekends

Each week, I seem to want to live for the weekend. Life during the week is just so busy. We get up, go to daycare/work, go home, eat, play for a few minutes before bedtime. Then Elizabeth takes an hour or two (or three on a bad night) to put to bed. By then, I'm exhausted and often just ignore the mess in the kitchen and fall into bed instead. The weekends are time to catch up and play, to have fun. But these two kiddos require so much attention right now (read as they cry unless mommy sits with them), so not much gets done. We try to take the kids out to a store or somewhere different in order to wear them out, but that wears out everyone and the adults don't get to nap.

I suppose this is a new normal. The routines help and eventually E will get better about going to bed and we will have more time in the evening to get a few things done. Just hope that comes sooner rather than later.

PPD, PPA, PPT?

Haha. I made that last one up. (In my mind, it'd be Postpartum Tired.)  But seriously. I want to write about my experience with postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety.  Partially as a way to cope with my feelings and thoughts, and partially as a way to share in case someone else can see similar symptoms in themselves.

I finally broke down and admitted that I don't feel right around December (I think).  I'd go to the doctor's office and end up have a small, teary melt downs. I'd blame it on lack of sleep and stress and that's how I usually function at a doctor's office (I hate it, but I've always been that way).  I think the visit that finally led me to admit defeat (not the best term, but all I've come up with right now) was for tummy problems.  Without getting graphic, I was having way more upset stomachs than I usually do.  Looking back now, I'm pretty sure it was stress related.  The doctor offered to run some blood tests and check me out.  Everything came back normal.  But while describing the pain, I broke down crying. This isn't uncommon for me because I'm so stubborn that I usually end up visiting the doctor as a last resort and when I've finally reached by breaking limit. So if I'm there, then you know it's bad.  

The doctor kept asking if I was sure I'm okay and if I've been depressed.  And here's the thing- I didn't feel like I was.  I didn't really have many negative thoughts or self-harm thoughts.  I was still rather cocky about my ability to "handle" everything. I didn't usually feel down or sad, but I would cry more easily at stupid things. Maybe I'm not sure what the official definition of depression is or I was in denial and blaming things on being tired (my twins were only 5 months old, so of course I'm tired) or hormonal (I'd recently given up breastfeeding/pumping, not to mention pregnancy and my PCOS before that).  I didn't get to do activities because of the kids, not because I didn't want to.  But after being asked by at least two doctors in less than a month if I was depressed, I decided to admit that maybe I am a little bit. (Although to this day I still think of it as more anxiety than depression; perhaps that from society placing such a negative stigma on depression, who knows?)

My doctor had me fill out a questionnaire to measure my depression level.  Imagine the surveys in Cosmo about what kind of wedding dress to buy based on what cake you pick or your dream guy based on your dream date.  I don't remember all of the questions exactly, but many of them were hard to distinguish between am I saying yes to this because I'm depressed or because my kids don't let me sleep or have time to do anything.  I think my score came out rather high, so probably moderate to severe depression.  The doctor gave me a prescription, told me about the side effects, and told me to come back in a few weeks to see how I felt.

OMG the side effects of starting a depression medication suck!! Stomach cramping was the worst, as well as an immense level of fatigue as my body tried to figure out what to do with the changing hormones again.  But as I grew more accustomed to it, I realized I was no longer crying over stupid things and I felt more calm.  Things were getting better and I felt like I could cope better. 

A month or two in, the "month of sickness" struck.  The kids had started daycare and their immune systems went down, taking ours with them.  We all took turns getting sick; I think everyone missed at least one day of work/school each week.  With my parents out of town, it was a fight for survival. The bare minimum was accomplished each day. And my stress levels began to increase.  I'd find myself having anxiety attacks occasionally- usually in the car, sitting in traffic while one or both kids cried.  My nerves would be frayed and I'd just tense up and not be able to calm down.  I might shake some and my heart rate would increase. Breathing seemed more labored and my appetite would disappear.  After the second one of these in two weeks, I called the doctor and we upped my dose.  Things got better briefly, then another major stressor a few months later hit. I think this time the kids were teething and fussy more often.  Things at work were kind of crazy too. Panic attacks all over again.  Upped my dose to the highest level and it seemed to help. 

For a while. During my period, the hormones would take over and cause my meds to be less effective.  I'd find myself clenching my jaw unconsciously. I was stress eating (or not eating sometimes). Dr. Pepper became water for me and I was lucky to convince myself to drink a glass of water a day.  I used to have a very strict one soda a day policy, but I could not help myself now.  I drank coffee, which I hate unless there's more sugar and milk in it than coffee!  I went through huge bags of candy way too quickly. I'm so glad it's not a candy holiday for a while; but I've recently started to raid my baking supplies for chocolate and icing (Don't judge too harshly please).  

Memorial Day was particularly stressful because the kids decided they no longer needed to nap that weekend. I forget what we did to throw them off their schedules so bad, but I remember wanting to leave and not come back.  I was ecstatic that my girls trip with my mom and sister to California was the next weekend. I was finally going to get a break! And it was nice to get away.  But I realized that I was eating way more than I should and when I came back, things hadn't improved much. I was still stress eating sweets and having thoughts of being a failure.

Back to the doctor's office; this time, she gave me a new prescription to try.  The stomach pain was miserable during the adjustment phase.  And I'm still stress eating and drinking Dr. Pepper like it's water.  I kept getting dizzy with this new medicine too. It's the strangest feeling of numbness in my extremities for about a heartbeat, accompanied by a faint, dizzy feeling.  I feel weak and ready to pass out at any moment, but don't.  I go back again this week and plan on telling the doctor that it's not working.  I have little patience with the kids unless they are perfect angels, which isn't going to happen while they are teething again.

I'm tired of this. I just want to feel normal again. Part of me doesn't even remember what normal feels like.  I'm back to crying a lot and just feeling like I can't handle life (not in a suicidal way, but more of a childish-run-away-from-my-problems-and-not-look-back way).  I'm struggling to find the will to turn off Candy Crush and get off my butt to clean the kitchen or cook dinner or do laundry.  I want to go out with the kids and immediately regret it when it becomes slightly difficult or they start whining. Life with twins has gotten so much easier, but also so much more complicated as they get older (that's a whole other post in itself).  I'm slowly rediscovering things that make me feel normal (like reading a book or cooking).  I think it's just going to be a long hard process.  In the meantime, I'll keep trying to get creative with the ways I cope and lean on friends and family and the fun times to get me through the rough times.

16 things I've learned since becoming a mom

I read a ton of blogs about pregnancy and a few about raising kids while pregnant. I was so tired and overwhelmed I wanted to take it one day at a time and not get too far ahead of myself. Oops. Turns out I don't have time now, so it's mostly winging it or googling as things come up. Probably for the best really. So I decided to come up with a list of things I've learned in the last year, mostly stuff I don't remember seeing anywhere before.

Before you get pregnant...

Teach your partner to make your favorite comfort foods. You will be sick and want that dish your mom makes. Hubby will try to make the recipe, but you never actually use the recipe as written. It will be good,  but just not quite right and won't kill the craving.

Stock your freezer with freezer meals. This goes along with the tip before, especially if your partner isn't a strong cook.

Squats! Do so many squats (weighted even) and build up those leg muscles. As you develop that bump, bending over will be hard so you will end up squatting more. And you will be carrying extra weight from the baby/ies. Your thighs are gonna burn! I thought it'd get better after pregnancy, but nope. You will have a baby in your arms and they drop their burp cloth. Gotta squat to pick it up. Let's just say I have excellent legs now.

During pregnancy...

Give yourself grace. You will be tired. You are growing another living being.

Go to labor and delivery whenever you feel like you might need to. I didn't want to be that worrywart, but finally decided it's better safe than sorry.

Watch your blood pressure. If you start to feel off, check your blood pressure. I thought it was blood sugar levels too high or low.  That's actually the start of my blood pressure problems. Swelling is a bad sign too. My feet and legs swelled bad, but my doctor said that it was my face and hands that could indicate a bad problem.  Keep track of it and let your doctor know as soon as it starts to creep up.

People lose all sense of what's appropriate and private. I had my belly rubbed by complete strangers.  People always want to know the sex. I'm rather open and told them way more than they'd want to know, but you don't have to. Just come up with a few witty-comebacks or perfect the smile and keep walking look.

After pregnancy...

Ask for breast milk in the hospital. In our hospital, the kids stayed with us in our room. My milk didn't come in at first, so the nurses offered breast milk donated to the NICU. I don't know if they do that for everyone, but it doesn't hurt to ask before going to formula to supplement.

Keep all the little bottles. If you do get breast milk, it comes in tiny little 2 ounce bottles with disposable nipples. Rinse these out and take home. They are the perfect size for the first few months when the kids only eat less than 2 ounces at a time. Plus when the kids are bigger, they will be able to start holding the bottle on their own sooner since these are smaller and lighter.

Sleep when you can. Ask for help. It's hard raising a newborn. Some nights are harder than others. Don't worry about the state of your house. Your and your baby's well-being is more important. Figure out the bare minimum of what needs to get done and do that. Then make a plan for the bigger stuff and just do a little bit each day.  For us, sometimes it was just clean the bottles and laundry.  We survived on a lot of fast food and our house was a complete mess for the longest time.  We just tossed things we didn't need in a spare room to hide it.

Embrace the drive thru and grocery delivery. I hated any drive thru before kids. If I was driving, I always parked and went inside. Not now with two babies. Anything with a drive thru or curbside service gets my business now. And those grocery stores that will shop for you and bring it out to your car...amazing! When I was too sick during the pregnancy and now that there are two babies, this feature is a God-send.

Don't go to the store alone in the first month. You will need a well-rested chaperone. Hubby and I would go to the store while my parents watched the kids. It was like going somewhere drunk. We were so sleep deprived we couldn't think straight.  Trips took twice as long because we couldn't keep a train of thought long enough to accomplish the task. Lists were essential. We would walk to the baby section to get diapers and realized we didn't grab a basket. Deciding between brands on anything was tough.

Give yourself grace here too.You are doing the best you can. Both of you are adapting to a new life and figuring it out as you go along. If you care about being a bad mom, then you really are a good mom because a bad one wouldn't care so much. (if that sentence makes any sense at all)

Trust your mommy gut.  There have been a few times I tried to play it cool and let the doctor tell me I was crazy or imagining things or it was normal. But then I'd be right back in his office a few days later with a sick kid. I'm learning now to trust that I know when something isn't quite right.  I at least make the doctor investigate a tad bit more instead of accepting a brush-off.  That's what I'm paying him for, and I know my kid the best after all.

Document your experience. I don't remember much from the first 6-9 months. I have notes I made in my phone about milestones and fun things we did, plus I have a million photos/videos from my phone, as well as my husband, grandparents, and daycare. My hope is to one day find the time to gather them all in one place. My sister-in-law made a book for my nephew's first year, editing each month so it was ready to go on his 1st birthday. I thought that was a great idea.

It took 9 months for your body to change, give it at least that long to return to "normal."  I don't think I'll every really look the same as I did pre-kids. I have some stretch marks and my c-section scar.  My belly button is still a weird innie/outie.  My abs separated alot to make room for the twins.  I couldn't feel my bladder for a while.  The kids are now 10 months old and I still don't feel like I'm back to normal.  The scar is hidden from public view, my tummy still shows signs of stretch marks, scars from my surgeries, and my belly button is still odd. My abs have gone back together some, but I can tell they still aren't 100%.  I'm trying not to lose patience and accept that these changes may become permanent, but it can be hard sometimes to feel cute/sexy when my hair is a mess and I can't remember the last time I showered.

That's all I have for now. Any tips you want to add...

breathe

This week has been one of the toughest I've faced in a while. Long nights with fussy babies Friday and Saturday nights. E was diagnosed with an ear infection and upper respiratory infection Saturday night. O probably has the upper respiratory infection too. Then Sunday night, I came down with a stomach bug that knocked me down hard. So hard hubby stayed home from his local travel week to take care of me and E. A day to recover was all I got because O and I had doctors appointments Wednesday morning and hubby got my stomach bug. Picked up the kids from daycare Wednesday after work to news they'd been vomiting and having blowouts; even got a bag of soiled clothes to take home. So I'm at home again taking care of O. I knew starting daycare would mean more sickness, but dang.

Anyways. I spent the weekend not able to stand the sound of the kids stuffy noses. I became obsessed with saline drops and the nose frida (amazing tool btw; totally recommemd it over the bulb thing). The kids have grown to hate it; I dont blame them since their noses are probably kind of raw. O used to like getting his nose sucked out; he was weird like that. He tolerates it better than E, but then again I could say that about most things with these two.

But today, nearly a week later, I have O sleeping in my arms, breathing away thru his slightly stuffy nose. And I find myself starting to like that sound. He's so sweet and peaceful while he sleeps. I still wanna suck all the boogers out of his nose, but for some weird reason I like listening to him right now. Maybe i just need more sleep.