Beta Test

I'm sure many of you are waiting to hear how the beta test went and if I'm pregnant.  Sadly, it was negative.  It was really rough getting this news just before lunch on Friday.  I'll admit, I cried a bunch and did my best to finish out my work day.  This was one of those days that I'm glad I work in a cubicle and that my coworkers don't often start up conversations.  I wasn't in the mood for talking.  I had texted Spencer, as per our agreement; I don't know how he managed to keep teaching all day long after getting that news.  We have an appointment on Thursday to talk to the doctor about what might have happened and what the steps are going forward.  We still have several more frozen embryos to try again, once we raise the funds we need.  I think our football team is out of the picture, but we could still aim for a baseball team. ;-P

I'm trying to not let this get me too down but it's hard.  This seemed like such a sure thing the way the doctor had described it. I knew our chances were only around 40-50%, but he kept saying how great everything looked, despite our problems.  And I've lucked into having so many issues that have small percentages of people having them, I figured low odds shouldn't be a problem.  Things had been looking up for us, so the universe was finally going to be nice to us. Wrong.  I don't blame the doctor for this not working, he did the best he could and we probably should have taken his advice and done the frozen transfer when he brought it up.  But we were so excited and ready to go. And if it was going to make that much of a difference, why did he wait to bring up the issue until the last possible minute?  He could have mentioned it or had the nurse mention it when I was told to trigger or when we went in for the retrieval.  Or even as the embryos were growing.  Not when we had both taken an entire day off of work for this procedure and were sitting in the office just minutes away from transfer.  Or push a little harder saying your odds of success diminish greatly by proceeding, I highly recommend waiting.  And maybe he didn't think it would really make that much difference and we could proceed with little risk. Maybe he say more on Thursday.  In the meantime, I'm mad and frustrated and disappointed. Mad that we spent about $13k and have nothing to show for it this round but some frozen embryos (and each round after will cost another $3k). Frustrated that I stuck myself with a needle over 30 times and Spencer stabbed me in the butt every night for two weeks with no baby this round.  Disappointed that this is the route we have to take in the first place to make a family and that it didn't work the first time like we had hoped. 

I'm still hopeful that we will be able to do a frozen round soon and that this one will work. We will have to get more loans to afford it though and due to the holidays coming up, it may not be until early next year.  We will know more about scheduling after our appointment on Thursday.  In the meantime, we will do what we can to save money, raise money, and get healthier to give our next shot better odds.  It's definitely been a hard road and part of me regretted going public when I got the bad news. But a bigger part of me is glad I have so many friends and family cheering for us and supporting us. So thank you. Thank you for your prayers and good thoughts. Keep those coming please. Thank you for reading my blog and learning more about this crappy, sucky, roller-coaster of a process.  I'm glad that you know more about what so many women have to go through to have a family.

Knocked up day

Monday, we never got our update from the doctor’s office on how our embryos were progressing, so I called them for the update.  Turns out they’d been waiting to hear back from the doctor on when transfer time would be.  The embryologist said that all 15 of our embryos were progressing well; they want to see 6-8 cells by day three, and all fifteen of ours were at that point. Such great news! They didn’t have a transfer time for me yet, and said they’d call on Tuesday with an arrival time.  Tuesday’s phone call revealed an 11 am transfer time, 10:30 arrival with a full bladder.  I was excited the rest of the day.

Knocked-up Day has finally arrived!! Spencer and I took Zoey to the park in the morning so that she’d be more worn out the rest of the day and not bother me as much. I changed when we got home into clothes that family members had given me.  I had a skirt that Cheryl gave me and a shirt Curtis gave me so that side of my family was represented.  I also wore the “cancer sucks” socks that Paula gave me when David was going through his treatment, so I felt like both of them were with me (I also wore these at retrieval); and to top it off was a sweater Lynnette gave me last Christmas.  I felt like wearing this stuff made the experience a little luckier; Spencer said I looked like Amy Farrah Fowler. 

 

We headed to the doctor’s office.  We got there a little early and checked in.  I was supposed to take two Valium pills when we got there as well as drink lots of water.  Man that stuff kicks in fast! I was so loopy from it.  They took us back and showed up pictures of all of our little embryos.  We have 9 that are excellent right now, so they picked one of those to transfer and the other 8 will be frozen.  Of the other six, three probably won’t really make it to freeze and they will be discarded.  They are going to watch the other three to see if they don’t catch up enough to freeze on day 6. They said because our embryos look so great, they advise against transferring two; that it’s not really necessary and only ups the chances for twins.  Overall, we were very pleased with how many we get to keep and try to build a family with.  Then the doctor came over to talk to us.  He said that because we used the Lupron trigger instead of the hCG trigger (which we did to avoid getting over-stimulated and the complications that come from that), my lining may not be as receptive to the embryo at this time and we could wait and do a frozen transfer for no extra charge (except more meds).  We decided to risk it, mainly because we were so excited for this and didn’t want to wait any longer. We kind of felt like if this were really such a big issue, then the doctor would have put his foot down and said let’s wait or brought it up sooner in the process besides 10 minutes before transfer. Plus we will have 8 frozen embryos we can use in the future if this doesn’t work.  Some further research on Google (I know I shouldn’t!) seems to suggest that Lupron prevents my body from making enough estrogen and progesterone after retrieval, so I have to supplement that with the patches and shots.  While they haven’t done another blood test since right before retrieval, my levels were in the good category then, so I’m hoping that we are doing everything necessary to make this little embryo stick.

Once we decided to go ahead with the transfer, the doctor sent us into the exam room and had me undress from the waist down (nothing new).  Spencer stood next to me to hold my hand and get a better view of the ultrasound screen. The nurse came in to check the bladder fullness; it was great.  The doctor came in a got everything set up.  The speculum was cold (why can’t they warm that thing up?!) and a tad uncomfortable. The nurse used the ultrasound to help the doctor find his way to where he needed to be in my uterus.  Then they called out to the embryologist that they were ready and about 30 seconds later, she came walking through the door with the catheter. She called out my name and birth date to confirm the correct patient, then handed the catheter to the doctor.  He inserted it, released the embryo into its new home, and pulled everything out. Then they tilted back the chair I was in and told me to rest for 10 minutes.  During this time, they came in for me to sign a form saying my name and date of birth were correct when the embryologist called it out.  That was it! I am now considered pregnant until proven otherwise.  Spencer took a few pictures. We asked the nurse to draw some circles on my backside for where the progesterone shots are supposed to go to make sure we were doing it right (and we had gotten pretty close, so yay for us).  I got dressed, went to the restroom, and we schedule our pregnancy test.  We headed home for lunch and an afternoon of binge watching Netflix.  I’m not on strict bed rest, but I’ve been lounging most of the day and plan to go into work late on Thursday, just to give our Baby Wolf time to settle in.  According to the progression charts I’ve seen online, it won’t really implant until Friday/Saturday/Sunday so until then, I’m just going to do my best to encourage it and send it warm, loving thoughts. So excited and nervous at the same time. These next two weeks are going to be so hard to get through.

Update October 8-

Got another call today saying they could freeze two more embryos.  One was AA and one was BC, which is fair/good.  So we had a total of 11 embryos make it to transfer or freezing! Way more than 50% with is what they say is average.  We actually could have us a little football team if they all work out.

We have embryos!

We got the call this morning about how many eggs fertilized.  We started with 17; 16 were good and mixed in with the sperm.  And only one didn’t fertilize! So we have 15 little embryos trying to grow their way into this world!  We are super excited. It’s a huge weight off of my shoulders.  I don’t know why I have to think so negatively, but I was just sure that none of them would fertilize, that we should have done ICSI (where they inject the sperm into the egg), that this was a big waste of money and time and effort.  I guess I’ve just had such bad luck in the last year when it comes to medical issues that I keep expecting the worse so when it doesn’t happen I’m that much happier. I don’t know.  We will get another update on Monday about how many of our embryos are still developing. Here’s to hoping we don’t lose too many. They will also give me a time frame for our transfer on Wednesday.  Oh my gosh this is getting real!

In preparation for transfer, I have to take more hormones. Yay. My favorite so far is the estrogen; mainly because it is just a patch! Haha that’s right! Three patches twice a week. Couldn’t be easier.  The progesterone has been looming over me and Spencer for a while now.  The subcutaneous shots were hard enough to do on my own, I don’t know how I could do an intramuscular (IM) shot on myself.  The doctor prescribed the progesterone in oil, which is given intramuscular. It’s better than the suppositories, but I have been dreading that one and half inch needle for weeks.  I think Spencer has too.  We watched the video on how to give the IM shot and then got everything ready to go.  It took us a while to figure out exactly where the shot goes, but we were finally confident that we figured out exactly which part of my hip to use (FYI, it’s right around my muffin top).  I laid on the bed and was practicing my deep breathing since I was so nervous.  Spencer was nervous too, but powered through like a boss. He found the spot on my hip, cleaned it with alcohol, spread the skin apart, and darted the needle in.  To me it felt like he was barely putting the needle against my skin, like he was testing where to do it.  Turns out, I didn’t feel the shot at all. Nor did I feel any of the medicine going in.  He pulled out the needle, put some gauze on the spot and I laid on the heating pad for a few minutes to disperse the oil.  So in the end, all that worry for nothing.  I’m really proud of Spencer for doing such a great job. I’m sure we won’t get it perfect every night, but at least I’m not as afraid of the IM shot anymore.  I think we could actually do this every night for the next 6 weeks or so (fingers crossed!).

Shot time!

Retrieval Day!

Friday was retrieval day; it’s finally here! I was miserable Thursday night because I was so bloated and my ovaries were twinging a little. I was not allowed to have any water or food after midnight, so I was super thirsty when I woke up.  I also had stress dreams all night where I ate something when I shouldn’t have and my procedure was ruined. I dressed in loose clothing and Spencer drove me to the doctor’s office. We checked in and waited to be called back.  A few minutes later, I was called back and shown back to the pre-op area to get ready.  I changed into a gown and waited while the nurses and doctors got everything prepared. The IV was uncomfortable; the nurse tried it and it didn’t work right.  She had to remove it and asked the anesthesiologist to try.  He got it in, but bruised something or didn’t get it in quite right. All I know is it hurt.  And for some reason, I had some reaction where I went all faint, sweaty, and nauseous.  I threw off the blankets and the nurse gave me a cold washcloth to put on my forehead.  She also had me sniff an alcohol pad to help prevent me from vomiting.  It lasted a few minutes and then I started to feel better.  So weird!  Spencer got to come in and say hello before they walked me back to the OR.

They had me sit on the table and hooked everything up around me.  I lay down and they covered me up. I don’t remember much, just that the meds to put me into deep sedation burned like hell when it hit my arm.  The doctor said it was normal, but I don’t know.  Luckily I was out pretty quick.  I woke up in recovery and was told it all went well.  Spencer got to come back and sit with me, until the nurse seemed to think I was awake enough to get up and change.  After changing, we were sent to consult, where the embryologist came out to speak with us.  They retrieved 17 eggs. I was kind of surprised that it was so low. It seemed like I had way more follicles on the scans, but I guess they weren’t large enough to pull and egg out of.  I dunno.  Still average is about 10-12 eggs, so we are ahead on that point.  One egg was not morphologically normal, and was thrown out.  So 16 eggs to fertilize with Spencer’s donation (which the doctor said had excellent morphology).  We will get a phone call Saturday morning with an update on how many eggs fertilize. This is getting real! 

Transfer is planned for Wednesday; I’m calling this knocked up day.  Like I said, once it gets going, this process goes fast!  We start the progesterone shots tomorrow evening, which Spencer gets to give me. I’m super anxious about these, but trust him.  It will all be worth it in the end.  For now, I’m drinking lots of PowerAde and eating salty foods to keep from getting bloated and keep the water out of my ovaries. I’m crampy and uncomfortable, but it isn’t terrible.  What hurts the most is my hand, which is bruised from the IV and hurts; I’ve spent most of the day with an ice pack on my hand to help keep the pain away.

Rollarcoaster

Oh my so much has happened in the last few days.  This whole process goes in big spurts; lots of waiting and then bam! lots happens all at once.  Now to see if my hormone addled brain can remember everything.

For the most part, Tuesday was a good day; I brought materials to work so that I could build a standing desk. This seemed to help quite a bit with the pain level since I wasn’t sitting all day.  It wasn’t until my evening walk with Zoey that I started to get anxious. We’d spent so much money on this whole process, I didn’t want one little hiccup like getting my medication late to derail everything.  I was looking for the FedEx truck at every corner.  Finally, it came just in time to get home and do my shots at the right time. These were so hard to do; it was a mental challenge to poke those needles into me.  I really hope that is the last set of my shots I have to give myself.  I do not know that I could physically give myself the damn Ganirelix shot again on Wednesday.

Wednesday morning, I had another appointment for blood work and ultrasound.  The blood work went ok. The scan also was fine.  The ovaries are showing lots of large follicles still, but there were some stragglers too, which prompted the nurse doing to the scan to suggest that I might need to do one more day of shots and trigger Thursday with retrieval on Saturday.  This was very upsetting news. I was completely out of Ganirelix and would not be able to order more in time; not to mention that I was tired of giving myself the shots.  I would not know anything for sure until the afternoon phone call.  After the scan, the nurse went over the trigger shot and information for retrieval, just in case it was that night. She showed me how to do the intramuscular shots for the progesterone starting the day after retrieval; those make me nervous.  Before I left the clinic, I received a dose of Ganirelix, just in case I need it.  Either way, I made an appointment for Thursday for more blood work, which could be for pre-op labs or my last scan in case trigger got postponed.

Good news! I got the call to trigger Wednesday night at 8pm and retrieval will be Friday morning.  This turned my day around.  The trigger shot wasn’t terrible, and it was exciting that it was only one shot, not three! My appointment Thursday morning was just for blood work. It was very quick and then I raced back to work to do my second trigger shot. I got to work just in time and did my last shot in the bathroom at work.  So that shot made thirty, 3-0, self-administered shots. I was so excited. No more shots for a whole day!! Haha!  The rest of Thursday was spent chilling and getting some homework done.

Shot/blood draw counter: IIII IIII IIII IIII IIII IIII IIII IIII II

Symptom tracker: ovaries feel like they are each the size of melons (hyperbole I’m sure) and they were twinging by Thursday night, bloated, thirsty, lower back pain, hormonal/stressed out, tired, hungry, acne, some insomnia, sore boobs