Beta Test

I'm sure many of you are waiting to hear how the beta test went and if I'm pregnant.  Sadly, it was negative.  It was really rough getting this news just before lunch on Friday.  I'll admit, I cried a bunch and did my best to finish out my work day.  This was one of those days that I'm glad I work in a cubicle and that my coworkers don't often start up conversations.  I wasn't in the mood for talking.  I had texted Spencer, as per our agreement; I don't know how he managed to keep teaching all day long after getting that news.  We have an appointment on Thursday to talk to the doctor about what might have happened and what the steps are going forward.  We still have several more frozen embryos to try again, once we raise the funds we need.  I think our football team is out of the picture, but we could still aim for a baseball team. ;-P

I'm trying to not let this get me too down but it's hard.  This seemed like such a sure thing the way the doctor had described it. I knew our chances were only around 40-50%, but he kept saying how great everything looked, despite our problems.  And I've lucked into having so many issues that have small percentages of people having them, I figured low odds shouldn't be a problem.  Things had been looking up for us, so the universe was finally going to be nice to us. Wrong.  I don't blame the doctor for this not working, he did the best he could and we probably should have taken his advice and done the frozen transfer when he brought it up.  But we were so excited and ready to go. And if it was going to make that much of a difference, why did he wait to bring up the issue until the last possible minute?  He could have mentioned it or had the nurse mention it when I was told to trigger or when we went in for the retrieval.  Or even as the embryos were growing.  Not when we had both taken an entire day off of work for this procedure and were sitting in the office just minutes away from transfer.  Or push a little harder saying your odds of success diminish greatly by proceeding, I highly recommend waiting.  And maybe he didn't think it would really make that much difference and we could proceed with little risk. Maybe he say more on Thursday.  In the meantime, I'm mad and frustrated and disappointed. Mad that we spent about $13k and have nothing to show for it this round but some frozen embryos (and each round after will cost another $3k). Frustrated that I stuck myself with a needle over 30 times and Spencer stabbed me in the butt every night for two weeks with no baby this round.  Disappointed that this is the route we have to take in the first place to make a family and that it didn't work the first time like we had hoped. 

I'm still hopeful that we will be able to do a frozen round soon and that this one will work. We will have to get more loans to afford it though and due to the holidays coming up, it may not be until early next year.  We will know more about scheduling after our appointment on Thursday.  In the meantime, we will do what we can to save money, raise money, and get healthier to give our next shot better odds.  It's definitely been a hard road and part of me regretted going public when I got the bad news. But a bigger part of me is glad I have so many friends and family cheering for us and supporting us. So thank you. Thank you for your prayers and good thoughts. Keep those coming please. Thank you for reading my blog and learning more about this crappy, sucky, roller-coaster of a process.  I'm glad that you know more about what so many women have to go through to have a family.