I'm not looking forward to the roller coaster of emotions over the next month due to all the hormones. The last few months have been so stressful because of school, illness, an injured dog, and a broken house. February was when I took my big final exam in addition to my classwork (I passed btw; graduation here I come!). Spencer was at the doctor throughout February and March countless times trying to diagnose what turned out to be sludge in his gallbladder (it came out over spring break). I was just diagnosed with scoliosis as the cause of my month-long back ache. Our dog had double ear infections and fought me every night and morning when it came time for drops. And our air conditioner had a wire crossed somewhere causing the heater to come on with the A/C. Everything has resolved itself and life has started to settle down. I was finally beginning to find an acceptance about everything and not feel so overwhelmed. I fear that's going to disappear soon or at least creep back in waves.
It started at the beginning of April with a brief pity party; gearing up to do that first shot brought back many of those thoughts. It just doesn't seem fair that getting pregnant is so easy for other women. They don't have to do months of shots and countless blood draws and invasive scans in order to get pregnant; they get to have fun with their husbands. They don't have to spend thousands of dollars on cycles and medications; they get to buy cute things for their baby-on-the-way without thinking about a price tag. And there are so many people who just don't get infertility unless they've gone through it themselves.
But then I think about how lucky we are. We were able to pursue treatment rather quickly; there are others who have to wait years before they can afford this process. We have gotten to see exactly how our future children were made. And we get to talk about how our baby was made because it's not taboo to talk about medical procedures like it would be different positions or locations ;)
In addition to those feelings, I'm nervous about how this round will go. I'm scared that it won't work again. I'm scared that it will work, but I will lose the baby early on. I'm scared that it will work and I won't be ready for pregnancy or a baby. Or there will be a complication with the pregnancy. I need to stop worrying; take it one day at a time, one step at a time. I need to trust that whatever is supposed to happen will happen and there's nothing I can do to change that. Spencer and I can handle anything life throws our way; we just proved that over the last few months ;) And we have a great support network that will be there to cheer us along.
In addition to those feelings, I'm nervous about how this round will go. I'm scared that it won't work again. I'm scared that it will work, but I will lose the baby early on. I'm scared that it will work and I won't be ready for pregnancy or a baby. Or there will be a complication with the pregnancy. I need to stop worrying; take it one day at a time, one step at a time. I need to trust that whatever is supposed to happen will happen and there's nothing I can do to change that. Spencer and I can handle anything life throws our way; we just proved that over the last few months ;) And we have a great support network that will be there to cheer us along.
